Boiled chicken

All through his childhood, Marshall was served ONLY boiled chicken for his Friday night dinner. Every week for all those years. So when we got married he told me that he wasn't interested in any more boiled chicken ever. But my kids never before tasted boiled chicken, and when we were talking about how to cook the chicken thighs I bought Avi suggested that I boil it. Should be yummy.

We ran lots of errands today, and by 4pm I was truly exhausted. I had a lovely nap while the boys kept themselves busy.

The backing and forthing will never be seamless. But this one is working out well so far.

We'll be at Beth Sholom in SF tomorrow morning for services - it will be the last Shabbat service in the old sanctuary which is to be razed next month. It will be wonderful to see all our old friends, and afterwards there's an every-week open house nearby, where many of our friends hang out, nap, eat and have fun until the service marking the end of Shabbat, this week it's at 8 I think.

I asked Avi if he likes it here, and he said, "Yeah, it's cozy."

Shabbat shalom.

Chelsea Afternoon

Emptying endless boxes, I finally found my stereo. Hooked 'er up, opened the CD top to see if it was empty, and found a Joni Mitchell disk with all my favorites. Sun streaming in the window, breezes finding their way inside, sounds of folks getting home after work , and all I can do is sing along . . . I do really love this new apartment of mine.

The curls in my hair are back, darnit, I was hoping for more than 5 minutes of straight hair. When we were kids, Sheila would try hard in vain to get a little wave in her hopelessly straight hair and all I wanted was straight hair just like hers. Mine didn't really get wavy until I was 5 or so, and the all-over curl is only since puberty. Now that it's growing back I can honestly admit that, while I didn't mind being bald exactly, I missed my beautiful hair. On the other hand, since my hair was going anyway it's sure nice to be able to see my face clearly for the first time in my life. And that's not just about hair.

The boys come home to mama tonight, and while I do miss them I'm surprised at how much I miss Bella! She's shown me she misses me when I'm there, but I've only been there for a few minutes Mon. and Tues.

Rain in Mill Valley today

Hard to believe, since it almost never rains in the this part of the country in the summertime. Down it came in buckets for just a few minutes, it reminded me of rain in Hawaii.

Tomorrow evening the kids come here to stay with me for a week. I think things are set up well enough to get started . . . Walt did finish putting together the table, and it works beautifully in the tiny space allotted for it in the kitchen.

Penny brought me a bouquet of flowers from her garden today, and they are brightening up my living room right this minute.

I have to teach my car how to find its way home to a new place. I keep thinking I'm going back to the old place, which is not so very far from here but the route changes dramatically to get here sometimes.

The two flights of steps, on the other hand, are not causing my any hardship at all, and they say step walking will improve tush muscles. Now that would be nice . . .

I'm a little off today, I don't know why, but there are moments when real joy has appeared with no warning. I haven't felt joy in so long I almost forgot what it feels like.

Wireless on Emerson

Now THAT was critical for my day-to-day, especially when I'll be knocked out with fatigue from radiation.

Tarek, the manager of the building, came over to set up my computer to be recognized by his wireless system. He'll add Avi when Avi and his computer arrive.

Walt is here trying really hard to put together my kitchen table from Ikea. Poor dear, he's working so hard but 3 of the parts don't work right, it's a screw thing, I don't know. I'm sending him home shortly, whether it's done or not, he has to be at work at 6am these days.

Therapy today was extremely helpful. I always come away with my load considerably lightened.

My friend Kelly helped me a huge amount by bringing over boxes and pictures. She also brought Heshy along for a visit. That child talks a mile a minute, no kidding. I stopped listening, but I always have to seem like I am, or he sees right through me. I have to keep reminding myself that his boundless energy and enthusiasm will serve him well as an adult.

I even cooked tonight for my very first guest for a meal - Walt came directly from a softball game that was immediately after work. Just macaroni and cheese with extra stuff in it. No biggie, but now of course I have dishes to wash.

I'm eating much less, not feeling the need at the moment to snack all evening. Hmmmm

Lacking regular internet access

so I have to come over to Marshall's to use the wireless set-up. The new place looks fairly put together, although there's still a lot to be done. I had my first radiation treatment yesterday - boy are those folks disorganized. Each person I've seen has told me different stories about my appointment time, and the last change came yesterday after 5! If this were a Kaiser facility that would never have happened. How am I supposed to organize my week without knowing when my future appointments will be? Very frustrating.

The treatment itself was simple. I have to go and buy the burn goop to I don't get a bad furn from the treatment.

All in all, it's nice to be away from the bad stuff going on, and to have some peace and quiet.

moved in

and absolutely wiped! Walt and my cousin Dave did the whole thing, up two flights of steps, wow, what a workout.

Will write more tomorrow.

Being at services (and then the lunch) today

Today a family in our community sponsored the after-services lunch buffet in honor of their granddaughter. Lots of family members and friends showed up, and two in particular are a mother and daughter I've known since Emma came into my life. Julie, the younger woman, has a luminous sort of beauty one can only achieve through good genes. Over and over Julie told me how beautiful I look. Do you think it's safe to believe her? Please?

Going through family photos recently I noticed that in almost every picture I am heavy. It doesn't always look scary bad . . . maybe I'm just one of those folks who has a high set weight. On the other hand, when I'm able to exercise daily as I had been before my cancer diagnosis, I will most likely lose weight, gain muscle, and feel strong and able again. Food for thought (pun intended).

I took a group of friends over to my new place for a free tour after the lunch. We stood in the kitchen and shared some libations . . . it felt wonderful. Like these folks are part of my safety net.

Tomorrow is the big day. I think I'm ready, and I know I'll be able to collect hugs all day from Walt and my cousin Dave who are doing the major schlepping, as well as from my friends who are providing the furniture.

Write to me if you need the new address and phone number.

My schedule for the next five weeks

Five weeks of radiation. And the time they gave me was 4:30 in the afternoon! I was hoping for something much earlier in the day, so I will go at 4:30 on Monday but Tuesday and thereafter my appointment will be at 10. And Penny and I decided that my working in Mill Valley on Wednesdays in the morning would be best. Tuesday afternoons at 1:30 I have psychotherapy, and Wednesdays in the late afternoon are the boys' therapy appointments.

I visited my friend Lior yesterday, and I am delighted to say that her spirit is as strong as ever, and now that she's gained back a little weight she looks better, too. She feels good, at least she did yesterday when I saw her, and she chuckled with me over some silly stuff. I was especially happy to hear that she's been doing some walking and some sewing projects.

In 2 days I move. There's so much to do that won't get done until after the move, so the boxes will continue to flow in that direction for a couple of weeks. I'm just anxious to get the furniture and rugs in there. I still am stunned at the response of my community to my request for furniture - I have everything I need and then some.

Shabbat Shalom

A little Simple Green and a sponge

Made my new tub and surround spotless.

I worked in Mill Valley today, then worked on my place. My radiation 'dry run' will be tomorrow (the date was changed) and the real treatment will begin on Monday, 6/26. This means that every single weekday, Monday through Friday, for six weeks, I have to go get my treatment. On Wednesday I will head to Marin afterwards.

I will move as fast as I can to get settled in the new place, racing against the time when fatigue takes over.

Talk about clean

I remember when I was growing up that the best way to really clean a sink (in those days they were all porcelain) was to scrub hard with Comet. Lemme tell ya, that darn kitchen sink is shining now!

I spent all afternoon cleaning in the kitchen. Funny how things can look clean but then when you get close you realize they are soooo not. I used toothpicks on the door of the frig to get out nasty I-don't-even-want-to-think-about-it crud. I went out mid-afternoon to get some supplies (and be in my air-conditioned car, it's 90+ here today) and when I remember to get a scissors over there I'll be putting in about 36 linear feet of shelf liner.

The last thing I did before I left the apartment to come 'home,' was to hang the shower curtain. It's sage . . . I can't wait to paint after I clean the bathroom from top to bottom.

Then I cleaned up, put everything away, and took one last look around. It's starting to feel a little bit like home to me . . . life is a process.

Oh, and Marshall had a great surprise today. We have neighbors across the street who used to be around all the time and then were not, so when he saw the wife (who said her husband is very sick and in the hospital) he offered to keep her yard free of weeds. She told him he could help himself to the ripe fruit on her trees, so when he went there to work and pick he found that she has fuyu persimmons, his absolute favorite fruit. He was just busy being a good neighbor to this elderly couple, and he got a huge reward in the persimmons.

We're getting along nicely, by the way. And the boys are significantly more calm because of it, I think.

Move in date for me is Sunday, June 25.

Just got the better medicine

and I'm waiting for it to kick in. It's been a very busy day, and I've gotten a lot accomplished. Most importantly, I bought paint. I set out to get a shade of sage that coordinates with the bathroom stuff, and then while Heshy and I were waiting at the paint part of Home Depot we noticed that the clerk who was helping us had made an 'oops' can of paint which was a light yellow. Since that customer really only wanted a quart, I was able to buy the can of yellow paint for $5 - the green was $20. Great deal!

I had my therapy appointment today. I have to say that getting feedback from someone who is not involved in my life is cathartic for me - if you know what I mean. And the situation allows me to bring up all my worries and concerns and discuss them. My 50-minute hour flew by, and I left the building feeling great!

I am going over to my new place at 7 to finalize the lease and get the keys. Tomorrow morning I will be on my knees scrubbing places that have not been scrubbed in a looooong time, and cleaning up inside the kitchen cabinets so I can get some food in there. It's all coming together now.

Let's revisit the pain

Tonight I went to watch my friends play softball, and sitting in the bleachers was remarkably painful, I think I moaned every time I moved. Enough of this tough routine, I am sending my oncologist an email right away asking for something stronger. I just can't concentrate on anything when I'm in so much pain all the time.

I will be taking possession of my new apartment tomorrow, and I plan to be there bright and early with a bucket and bleach and rags to clean out the refrigerator and inside the cabinets. Gladys, the landlady, says it was just cleaned really well tonight, but still . . . I did get permission to paint a different color, so I'm going to take my sage accessories and look for paint.

I'm still planning to move all the 2nd hand furniture on Sunday. I need to get all the ducks in a row so everyone knows I'm coming with the truck.

Today was a bittersweet day for me, each time I wrote '6/19' it reminded me that 6/19/88 Marshall and I fell in love. I'm happy to report that we have been getting along really well, in fact last night we took a walk together and had some fun.

Onward and upward. Many deep sighs to come . . .

picture has been updated

this is how I looked yesterday

Good china packed and moved already

Kelly came over around noon, as planned, and by 2 we had (I should say she had, since she wouldn't let me lift a thing, sweet girl that she is) quite a number of boxes, maybe 10, plus the box with the kitchen table, in her SUV and then into my apartment. Gladys, the landlady, was there and the guys were painting.

I met two other tenants in the building as they were washing their vehicles - Holly and Franco. They were very friendly, and just rowdy enough for me to want to know them better.

I feel much more optimistic now than I did this morning. Talking on the phone to my dearest friend Cindy in Philly, who just returned from her European honeymoon cruise, did the trick and the tears were falling for me. Once I get them started I can flush it all out of my system. That left me with the emotional wherewithal to pack all the good dishes.

I am so very blessed by the outpouring of support from friends and relatives through all of my trials and tribulations. It was a magnificent day, and I think tomorrow will be too.

I signed the lease and got the key!

Well, while I have mixed feelings about the 'reality check' of actually packing up and moving, I am thrilled to know that the process of looking for a place is over. Yesterday and today I dropped off some stuff, and I met the woman who lives in the apartment beneath me. She seems very nice, her name is Mariah and she has a 7-year-old son. G-d willing, Heshy and he will forge a friendship.

The work on the place continues, I see the workers are going to be painting next. And my friend Kelly will help me move some boxes tomorrow in her SUV.

My legs are still quite painful, I guess I should stop mentioning it because it will be several weeks before the pain ends.

Being in services was nice, as usual, and there was a delicious buffet lunch prepared by a number of folks (including Marshall, of course) to celebrate all the graduations.

So now the move begins . . . wish me luck.

and when the apt. manager called me, he said . . .

He said to bring my security deposit over at 6:00 and we'll sign the lease. I can move in slowly while the balance of the work is being done, and I only start to pay rent on the day I first actually sleep there. Very nice.

I went to an estate sale today in Montclair. There were so many things to look at, much of which looked valuable/interesting/useful, it was hard to see the forest for the trees. I was able to go into the kitchen cabinets and get 3 saucepans with lids, a set of four pieces of Corningware from the stone ages, plus a brand new cream and sugar server and a brand new Cuisinart electric chopper all for less than $30. The killer part of the stuff in the house, for me at least, was that the woman who did all the clothes/shoes buying was my size, clothes and shoes. I saw a magnificent hat there, brand new with the tag still on which said $515, and they wanted 125 for it. Fair enough.

It's waaaay hot here today, but I am so excited about starting my move that I'm sweating from the head (thanks, Daddy, for passing that along to me) and don't even mind so much.

Several people I know are very sick, and as Shabbat approaches I ask you to pray for them, or anyone else you know who is sick and needs that blessing.

Shabbat shalom.

Today the radiation technician said . . .

I went to the radiation place for the CT scan and tiny tattoos to mark the spots to 'shoot' me during the treatments. I will return in one week (Thursday at 11:30) for a 'dry run,' and then my radiation treatments will begin on the last Monday of the month, which seems like it will be the day after I move. That's fine, whatever time it is I will work around it. I'm told that the first few weeks I should not be bothered by much fatigue. It's more later in the treatments cycle and after, perhaps for many months, that fatigue should be an issue.

I thought I was supposed to be finding out today the time of my daily appointment. So much else rides on that time. Now the technician said that we can work out whatever time works for me, and on the day I have psychotherapy at 1:30 in Berkeley I can switch to another time. IF the time I choose conflicts with that appointment somehow.

Now my head's in a whirl and I can't remember as much as I used to, but here's what I took from what the technician said: Don't worry about it.

Oh, and she also said I tattoo easily. Faint praise, in my opinion.

and then my therapist said . . .

Yesterday when I saw my therapist I had so many things to tell her, and I plowed right through. After much discussion she told me that I have so many things going on that are stressful, and each one of them has the individual ability to close me down. She reminded me to use my organizational abilities and my finely-tuned sense of prioritization to try to only concentrate on (read=worry about) the most important stuff right now.

Deep sigh.

My new place is being worked on every day (I've been there to see the work being done) and now the landlord tells me that it will be early next week (read=July 1) before the apartment is ready. I've seen the lease, it looks fine, I have the money at the ready to close the deal, so maybe I shouldn't worry about this right now?

I will be going to the radiation place tomorrow afternoon and then the worry about the timing of my daily visit there will end.

On Friday my friend Debra is coming over to help me start packing up my stuff, starting with my grandmother's china.

My legs are still killing me, I tried both over-the-counter medicines the oncologist suggested, but neither one works. I'm so tired to taking strong drugs, but I guess I will have to do that again. I'll write to him and get the prescription.

The divorce mediator we are using is on vacation until 7/10. I will work hard to get Marshall to complete the forms we need to exchange so that we may proceed. But I will try not to worry about it today.

Oy. I am overwhelmed, and all I really want to do is stay in bed and nap. But I am about to leave with Avi to go to Men's Wearhouse to get his bar mitzvah suit altered, since he finally grew out of it. He's taller than I am!

Deep breathing helps too.

The oncologist said . . .

I wrote to Mike, my oncologist, about the recent pain in my legs and joints. He said that he has noticed in his practice that after chemo is all done, sometimes months later even, people get an arthritis-type of pain in their legs. He told me try Aleve or Motrin, and that it will likely go away in a few weeks.

Bad timing, as far as I'm concerned. This morning I felt like it would just be waaay too hard to walk, so I stayed in bed until it was time to get ready to meet Sally, Dave and Jen. Then after I got up and took a shower I felt better. And walking around in my hiking boots felt immeasurably better, better than my dressy black shoes (which are flat and well-made, but still).

It was great to see Sally. Dave and Jen are adorable, as always. I can't believe they've been together 7 years already! And I have to plug Bette's Ocean View Diner on 4th St. in Berkeley - their meatloaf is delicious.

Too much pain to go to yoga, I think I'll go out anyway and replace all the st0len stuff. Deep sigh. And this time I'll bring all of it into the house.

Oh, I saw the apartment today while the guys were doing the demolition in the kitchen. I measured the other three rooms, and today Dave told me where to buy carpet remnants - I am planning to cover the hardwood floors with faux wall-to-wall carpet, complete with pad. I like to be able to sit on the floor sometimes, I think almost everyone does.

School is almost over for Heshy.

Aching legs, ankles and feet

Today my friend Ginna married Edward. I've always thought that Ginna was beautiful, but today . . . she was the quintessential bride in every way. Absolutely glowing, in an elegant wedding gown, and crying often enough to let us know she was overcome with happiness.

After standing on the pulpit holding up one of the chuppah poles for a period of time I discovered that my legs were not happy. This has been happening a lot lately, and it feels very similar to the way my lower half ached when I was getting Taxol during chemo. Maybe this is related? Getting up from sitting is just as painful as sitting down. I must look like an old lady when people see me doing these things.

Tomorrow I will be having lunch with my cousin Sally who still lives in the Philadelphia area. She is here primarily to visit her son, Dave, who works at Industrial Light & Magic, and his wife, Jen, a professional photographer. My family attended Dave and Jen's wedding high up on a hilltop in Sonoma, I think. Now that was one glorious wedding. I look forward to seeing all three of them.

This week I have an appointment at the radiation place, and that's when I will find out when my daily appointments will be.

My moving-in date will now be something like the last weekend of the month. It will be Father's Day when I get the keys. I am anxious to see all the furniture I'm being offered, but I need to measure the rooms exactly so that I don't take more than I need.

My trunk was full with just-bought stuff

WAS being the operative word here. While I was letting the dog out one more time before Heshy and I left for services, I looked toward the street and noticed my trunk was wide open. Quickly, I ran to the front door and onto the street.

Almost everything in my car was taken, along with $120 worth of stuff for my new apartment. It's not so much the money as the huge amount of time I spent on choosing and schlepping those things. Funny, I had taken them out of the trunk to pick up Ginna's parents, and then Heshy and I reloaded it after dinner last night.

Also gone are my beloved red yoga mat, my journal, a fastrak thingie and my purse with my checkbook in it. I called the bank right away and those checks were stopped. I contacted Fastrak about the stolen thingie.

And everything is replaceable, of course. When considering the big picture here, it's really no big deal. The car is completely fine, no one was hurt.

But Heshy is having a really hard time with it. (Frankly I think that this is something of a last straw for him, he seemed like he was almost in tears today.)

Heshy and I hung out together this afternoon until I fell asleep while he was watching the Food Network. He has brightened up a bit and I think he'll be okay for now.

Todd says that I'm being tested. OK, G-d, enough already.

Rolling lox and stickin' a toothpick in each one

That's where I was for an hour or so this morning. My friend Suzie, visiting from New York, helped inspect the lettuce and wash it, I laid the lettuce on the platters, and she and I both rolled and visited. It was so nice to have uninterrupted time with Suzie, I can't remember the last time that happened.

This afternoon I picked up Ginna's parents from the SF Airport. They're staying a number of days after the wedding (this Sunday), so I'm sure to see them again.

I seem to keep waking up with aches and pains, and I find my head often bent over to the right when I'm not thinking about it.

I saw my prescribing psychiatrist this week, and he suggested I take my nighttime meds (mostly to go to sleep and stay asleep) earlier in the evening so I can fall asleep smoothly. It had become progressively more difficult to fall asleep, I'd fight it and then have miserable dreams.

Heshy and I are alone together this Shabbat, we had blintzes for dinner and plan to lay out his shul clothes before he goes to bed. Wish me luck.

I am moving very soon

I talked to the building manager and he said the apt would be ready in a few days. I am SO looking forward to moving and creating my own space with the boys where angry outbursts are absolutely forbidden.

One of my friends who has cancer called me yesterday and said, "My body is riddled with cancer. My doctor keeps increasing my dose of morphine." That conversation put me into a very dark place - am I ever going to have to say those words? And her children don't even know what's wrong with her . . . perhaps they are under the impression that she will recover from her as-yet-unnamed illness? The whole situation is so very sad . . . and when she's gone I will miss her.

Deep sigh. This weekend one of my dearest friends is getting married. I will be picking her parents up at the airport later today. I have to keep my head up and my smile on my face, this weekend is no time to be feeling bad about anything.

More good news came my way today

I called Kaiser, my HMO, to see how much money Marshall should reimburse me each month for his health care premium. The nice customer service lady named Linda actually expanded my knowledge of what was available to us. There are lots of configurations, but the bottom line is that I'll be paying less than 10% of the full premium beginning in a couple of months or so, allowing time to process the paperwork, and this reduced rate with stay with me for four years. The plan is available to any Kaiser member on self-pay who has experienced a disastrous situation financially, and it's available only once in a lifetime.

Wow, I must say that my insurance premium being reduced that way, from $1000+ to 100+ is huge for me.

Now I can almost imagine living on disability for a while more until I'm totally ready to jump back into the work thing.

Today I just walked 3.5 miles. The sun is out and there is a steady breeze, and I just walked and thought and thought some more. I like the idea of setting aside time to think during the day, G-d knows I need it.

Last night my new landlord said we don't need a contract, we have a gentleman's agreement (or words to that effect). I know, of course, that I can't even arrange for the utilities to be in my name without a lease. I will have to work slowly with this landlord, he admitted he's new to this, and I will have a lease in hand which states all the terms as we agreed to them last night.

Avi finished his last final exam today, and he'll be relaxing for at least two weeks or so until he gets tired of sitting around. Bless his heart, school is over for him.

My new address will be:

well, since there are folks visiting my blog who don't actually know me (hello), I am going to provide this information in a more roundabout manner. If you wonder where I mean, or don't get the references, then write to me and I will give you the exact address.

The apartment is in a brown building directly across the street from my shul. Not in the cul-de-sac upstairs, across the busy street and sitting directly on it.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really like being able to hear traffic out my window. When I was on my own in Philly for 8 years I intentionally lived in places where the trolley went by all the time.

The wood floors are being refinished, the kitchen floor is being floated, and I am going to be starting moving in when the floors can manage it.

I'm thrilled that the apartment is mine. The owner, the manager's dad, has explained that he and his family are very new to this business (ya think?), and really like me. He did say that he'd like me better without a dog, but I told him we're a package deal.

Now I have to get in there and measure, measure, measure. And I hope the landlord deals with the dust of refinishing a floor - I may need to help him hire someone for that.

And it wasn't the manager's sister I met, it was his very young mother. hmmm

Finally talked to the apt. manager

Here's what he said: his parents have taken over the renting of the unit, they have decided not to commit to anyone until the work (esp. new kitchen floor) is complete. He asked if I would like to continue to be considered, and I said yes. I also said it was hard to see him being humiliated in front of me, and he said it wasn't the first time and won't be the last time. Plus he told me that if it were up to him, he'd rent to me.

I am stopping by his place tonight to pick up my credit report to use if I find another place that looks good.

I ironed for 2 hours this morning (which used up something like 400 calories) and I'm all caught up. I also walked the dog for our usual 1/2 mile, and somehow it seemed easier than it usually does.

Therapy for me was today. I cried, as usual, and felt better after, also as usual.

I feel so much anguish all the time, when there's a moment of feeling even slightly better I notice it. I felt that way during ironing.

I called the apt. manager

And I didn't reach him directly but I did leave a detailed message. I asked him to contact me right away IF his father has no intention of renting to me. And I'm on my way to yoga soon . . .

Yesterday, on a whim, I wrote to someone who had posted a job that looked great for me. I don't have my resume together quite yet, but I knew I could write a compelling email with all the information they'd want. Big surprise - I received a phone call from a woman named Lois who works with her husband in their elevator construction and service business. We talked for a long time and we made an appointment to meet at her office in West Oakland on Tuesday morning.

Then today she calls me back to tell me that her husband does not want to spend the time meeting me since I am only willing to commit to working for/with them for 2 years. She went on to say that he will only see someone who is willing to commit for at least 5 years! (Their last office manager/dispatcher worked for them for something like 17 years.)

I think Lois understands that her husband's expectations are outrageous . . . but anyway, no interview for me.

Having 3/4 of a day to think about getting ready to go back to work almost full time, I realize that there are lots of little details I need to figure out if I am going to be on my own and work those hours.

I've been walking about 1 mile a day in the last few days, andl I will be adding onto that slowly so I don't end up with a sore knee again.

A very rough meeting this morning

Unbeknownst to me, the manager of that apt. building whom I'd met had to get parental approval to rent to me. His father and older sister showed up to grill me, seriously.

Remarks were passed to me about how it might not be okay with them to rent to someone with children. I guess they don't know that this is against the law. They talked about the dog somehow interacting badly with the other tenants, but she won't actually see them much, if at all. They made it clear that they expected the tidiest of housekeeping in this apartment. I don't think they can put that in the contract, but boy did they make it very clear, to each other in Arabic and then to me.

They are Christian Arabs, so nobody get all excited please.

Anyway, the experience was rough for the manager, as his decisions were being discussed in front of me, and it made me feel like somehow I don't meet their standards. My perfect credit, excellent rental references, all that, well . . . they were concerned more about my boys running around and making a lot of noise overhead for the downstairs tenants who tend to party all weekend.

Soured the deal for me, I'll tell ya. Even though they were about to install a new ceramic tile kitchen floor, they couldn't see the perfect tenant if it hit them in the face.

I've been down in the mouth since then. Barely dragged my ass out of bed to take Avi into the City to his friend's high school graduation. Then Walt came over when I got back (Marshall attended the funeral of an old friend of ours) and we took Heshy to Ikea to look for gateleg tables. Many small and cheap items later we were out of the store and the shopping did the trick.

I was so tempted to call the apt. manager today to commiserate. I hope to hear from him tomorrow, one way or the others.

My new apt. building

is apparently the former home of a beloved family from my community who left soon after I arrived. I enthusiastically showed my new building to everyone I could round up at services, it was fun!

Marshall and I had our last special Sabbath lunch together with guests today. The food he cooked was incredible, as always, but the day was bittersweet, since all of us knew it would be our swan song as a group.

It's very hot, I just finished the lunch dishes (it's almost 7pm) and I'm hoping to stop sweating soon.

I did not find the mental energy to smile much today. And I really do know when my face looks unhappy. Even makeup and jewelry can't cover up the down-in-the-mouth look I was carrying around.

School is almost over, and then I'm getting my boys to help me paint the new apartment. That should be fun, Heshy especially appreciates being able to do that sort of work very precisely.

Trying hard to overcome the sads.

walking

In a feat attempted by many but accomplished by few, I walked for 4 hours but only covered 2.6 miles. Of course, along the way I visited 2 families and schmoozed, saw two other families walking on the street and schmoozed and then, when I was almost home, I ran into a friend and schmoozed. It's hot here today, very little breeze, thank goodness for the shade the trees provide.

The last person I saw today had gone through a divorce since I've known her, and she had some wonderfully insightful things to say to me, it shored me up a bit.

Sunday morning I will take the dogs and Bella to meet my new (hopefully) landlord, and then I expect to be moving into the place in about 2 weeks or so. It's really directly across the street from my synagogue. Kind of a hoot.

A full day in 3 counties

I worked in Marin this morning, then drove into the City to get Avi. I also was looking for dolma for Ginna, and I was lucky enough to find them for (get this) $6.79 a can, which has 65 dolma in it, and they're kosher, too! I bought two for her and then decided to stop by the Sberlos, where I used to work, and told them about the great dolma deal.

I picked up Avi when classes let out at his school in the City at 1:45, we drove home, Heshy was brought back from where he went after school, and now I'm taking Avi to the therapist. Lots of driving.

I am walking around with an ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach about everything that's going on. It's a familiar feeling from early childhood - I feel guilty, like everything that's wrong is somehow my fault.

The feeling stays with me all day from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. And every time I eat anything at all my stomach tells me it's not happy.

I'm sure this nasty feeling makes my face bad too. I find it takes a lot more effort than usual to smile, and as much as I am looking forward to being on my own, it also scares the shit out of me. So many things to buy and move, so many decisions to make.

I am looking at an apt early this evening right across (literally) from my synagogue. So close you could holler and be heard! It's a little cheaper, certainly in a better neighborhood, and I hope I like it. I still have the right of first refusal on the apartment I've mentioned so many times, that hasn't changed, but I keep looking. My excellent credit report will certainly help.

Oy, my head is filled with all of this, I've taken to writing copious notes just to be able to keep track.