The wound has closed up

And not a moment too soon. Veronica saw me, told me to wait two weeks before I start radiation, and that I'll see her again in 3 months. This is the first day in so many weeks that I don't have a problem with my chest.

Today I made 60 blintzes, which I do once a year to celebrate the Jewish holiday of Shavuot.

Heshy starts therapy today.

The drain is out

But now I am covered up with a pressure bandage. I will remove the bandage tomorrow to take my shower (it will be the first real shower in 2 weeks) and then I have an appointment to see Veronica at 9am.

My work schedule is all screwy . . . and I still don't have any idea of the timing of my daily radiation appointment.

The strangest thing happened in the last few days or so - the hair on my legs is in and extremely thick. Like it might take several fresh blades just to cut a path through the forest. On the other hand, I keep getting compliments about the hair on my head. It's terribly short and straight (we'll see how long that lasts) and the mix of brown and grey is good.

Why is the music so loud at bar mitzvahs?

The service took 2-1/2 hours, that's fine. I can't sit that long but I was able to get up, move around, and talk to people a little bit.

We drove over to Ft. Mason for the party. The site is gorgeous, the weather perfect, the food was awesome (the best caterer in town) and I was seated with dear old friends. BUT trying to keep up a conversation with anyone other than the person right next to you was virtually impossible. Even so, I had a lot of fun and stayed until the very end.

Today I amazed myself when I realized I'd slept almost 12 hours! Now I'm thinking about how to spend the day. Marshall and Heshy are taking off for Muir Woods, Avi is home studying for finals, and I have the day to myself. I want to walk, and I know once I get started I'll feel fine and want to continue. It's the getting out of bed and getting ready part that's so awfully hard.

I called Interventional Radiology yesterday and left a message to inform them that the draining has all but stopped and I am ready for the next step, even if they can fit me in tomorrow, that would be great! Then on to the treatment planning appointment at the radiation place, and finally I'll have a handle on how the six weeks of daily appointments will be handled. You see, if I get a mid-day appointment that blows the whole day - my job is in Mill Valley, the treatment place is in Hayward, the distance between the two is at least 50 miles. Geez, this could get expensive and time-consuming. Hmm, I'll need to think about how to handle it no matter when the radiation appointment will be.

Back to today. As I sit in my bed writing I feel a soft breeze, I see the sun and clear skies and I know I need to get up and get going.

A brand new day, clear and breezy

I awakened feeling much better about things, and I put myself together to walk to services. Sadly, by the end of the luncheon for the bat mitzvah I felt bad again, likely because the news of my separation and impending divorce had not gotten to some folks, and I had to tell them about it. Everyone I shared this with had kind things to say and offer, which I very much appreciate. But I wish the gossip channels worked a little bit better to help me avoid having to go through this conversation over and over again. Yes, I posted it on this blog, but I guess there are a lot of people who don't bother reading it anymore.

The walk home was completely exhausting, and I've been in bed ever since.

Good news, though. The draining is slowing down enough for the rest of the process to proceed. I should have an appointment on Tuesday or Wednesday for the sclerosing of the wound. When all that is done, I will then call the radiation people to get that show on the road.

The task of going through all our papers is daunting, but I have promised myself I will chip away at it every day until it is done. In the meantime, I'll be haunting garage sales and thrift stores to outfit my new home. When I stop to think about, I'm ecstatic about being able to set things up according to my own sensibilities. No longer will I face walls covered with art that Marshall and his first wife purchased. Now I'll be able to have whatever I want, or nothing at all, on the walls. I'm enthusiastic about the process of deciding how I'll live and how I'll spend my free time. I guess focusing on that side of things will keep my head above water, G-d willing, and I will proceed with my life.

Tomorrow we are all going to the bar mitzvah of the son of friends of ours, and I remember his mother at our seder table the night before she gave birth to him! I even helped to cater his bris. (A bris is a circumcision ceremony for 8-day-old Jewish boys.) Many of the guests and family members of the bar mitzvah are old friends, and I expect to have a great time. From this particular family I know the food will be great, and I really do love the bar mitzvah boy, he's very sweet and kind and friendly.

Holding on to the positive aspects of life with all my strength.

From my perch in bed

I woke up this morning and decided that the only safe course for me was to get back in bed for the day. I felt that way yesterday, but I went to work in Mill Valley anyway. Turns out there was no work for me to do, so I wandered into San Francisco, saw some friends, collected some hugs, and took a 4 mile walk to the beach and back. At 4:30 I met the rest of the family at Avi's school for an art show. (Avi had three black and white photos on diplay, they were wonderful!)

If I could venture a guess about my crummy feelings yesterday and today, I'd say that meeting with the divorce mediator on Wednesday was draining.

I will get my sorry ass out of bed to get Heshy, and hopefully the fresh air will give me a lift.

Shabbat shalom.

A full and productive day

While my medical stuff is still waiting for the draining to slow way down, I feel really great.

Last night my prospective landlady, Pam, finally made it to my place and checked out the boys and the dog. She provided my credit report to me, and told me that I had the best credit she'd ever seen in her life.

Today Marshall and I met with a therapist for the boys, he seems appropriate and kind. Heshy will begin seeing him next Wednesday, and Avi soon after. I'm really glad to have that piece checked off on my list.

Then Marshall and I met with a divorce mediator, and we breezed through that meeting. We had already discussed almost everything that needed deciding, so it was mostly a matter of telling the mediator about those decisions. It's amazing how easy it was, and not really very time-consuming. There are forms we need to fill out, she'll be filing court papers on our behalf, and after the next meeting, sometime in June, we'll only need to wait the obligatory 6 months until the divorce is final. The savings, in both time and money, is incredible.

I feel as if a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I can concentrate on setting up my new household and helping the boys process all of this mess.

Yoga, finally

My prospective landlady never did show up on Sunday evening. We sat in the living room waiting patiently for 30 minutes and then gave up. When I wrote to her to reschedule, she apologized profusely about forgetting, and I expect her tonight.

I called the radiation place to let them know that I have a big drain in, and my treatment planning appointment was delayed for a week.

The draining continues, but still too much to proceed with the next part of the process.

Yesterday I wrote to Veronica, brought her up to date on my treatment, and asked if I could resume yoga. To my surprise, she said yes! So there I was, last night, doing yoga. Some of the stuff which involves supporting my body on my hands, I simply could not do. But most of it was fine, and I must say it was an awesome feeling to be back in the fold, so to speak.

I am on my way to work in Mill Valley, then to my therapist.

Oh, one more thing. Yesterday I walked almost 5 miles at Lake Chabot. Lots of exercise for one day, huh?

What's with the darn rain?

It's this rain that kept me from exercising today. Oh well. In an hour, at 8 pm, my prospective landlady is coming to our place to get me to sign a form of hers, to meet the boys and to meet our dog, Bella. Sheila tells me that the landlady is also going to be checking out how I keep house. I like that, because I know I'll exceed her expectations in that department as well as the others. And I know that she's done this before with her other tenants - that makes me feel safer somehow.

The volunteer appreciation event we attended today was lovely, as usual. Our 'mensch' award (a mensch is a person, a good person) came with a small glass heart paperweight which had been engraved with the name of the agency, the year, and the name of the award. Years from now I know I'll look at it and remember this day. My best friend in California, Deb, sat there next to me and we had a chance to visit a bit, always a distinct pleasure for me. She's one of my brides, by the way - I introduced her to her husband, Jim, whom she would have never met if not for my help. Now THAT was a lovely wedding.

Oh, speaking of weddings, I was a little sad all day yesterday because I was not in Philly with Cindy, my oldest and dearest friend in the world. She called today to tell me it went exceedingly well, that it was, indeed, the wedding of her dreams. They are now off to Europe for their honeymoon. If I were planning a trip to Europe, I'd be gathering information for great walks in old cities. Knowing Cindy, she's just going to be a newlywed and be spoiled rotten, as is her due, believe me.

Draining continues, although it has definitely slowed down considerably. Tomorrow morning I have an appointment at the radiation place in Hayward. They are planning to do a CT scan and use that info to mark my body (tiny tattoos) to show where the rays should be directed. How they can do that with this big, honking drain sticking out of my body, not to mention the butterfly bandage on top of it which measures 4" X 4" (and I think I'm only exaggerating a little bit), I don't know.

Of course the facility doesn't open until I am on my way there, so I'll go and see what happens. I had a feeling that the draining problem would impede my ability to proceed with radiation at this time, but Veronica assured me that I could do the planning part while I'm still healing. We shall see.

And one more thing - please, if you are a praying person, please pray for my friends Sarah and Lior.

Muggy, just like back home in Philly

It's been so long since I was active outside in a high-humidity region, I almost forgot just how unpleasant it can be. With the threat of rain all day, I still managed to get in 5.6 miles of walking today. I was soaked to the skin from walking in the thick air, but also sweetly reminded of my childhood home, walking down Longridge and running into friends - I even collected two hugs!

I feel just fine, my legs are doing what they're supposed to be doing, my knee is quiet, the drainage continues but I don't feel that at all. I put myself in a very colorful ensemble, and was noticed and complimented. That's always feels so nice, that people notice.

I think the idea that a couple about to separate are in services together (although not sitting together, where we worship the men and women are divided by a short wall), speaking nicely to each other, well, it's not something these folks have seen before. Interesting . . . and heartening.

Tomorrow my family and I are being honored by Jewish Family and Children's Services in San Francisco for doing Chicken Soupers for 18 years continuously.

I guess I'll get my walking in before 3.

Quiet, wet day

and I'm glad it's almost over.

Shabbat shalom

Walking

And today was such a beautiful day to walk! I tried to walk quickly around Lake Merritt, all flat, 3.3 miles altogether. The rate of speed was slightly under a 20 min. mile. Not bad. Then I walked another 3 miles at a slower pace, the last 1.5 miles being uneven terrain. Heshy took me and Marshall on a hike from his school - it was heard to believe that the place he showed us, with almost no signs of people, was right in Oakland!

The drainage continues. Tomorrow will not include another trip to Kaiser, I think.

Marshall and I have hired a divorce mediator, we'll see her on Wednesday. Plus we've found someone to see the boys.

An operation in two acts

Today I had a big breakfast, walked almost 3 miles (at a snail's pace) which took over 2 hours, then I presented myself at the Interventional Radiology Dept. at Kaiser for the procedure. Actually, today I discovered that this procedure is done in two parts. The first part, done today, was to insert yet another drain. When the draining is complete, the doctor will 'sclerose' the area that was draining. It is expected that the draining will have dropped to almost nothing by Friday morning, and that I will spend that morning there having the second part done. If the draining continues at a fairly high rate, then the 2nd part will be put off until the draining stops altogether. In anticipation of an infection from the drain, I am being given a 3rd round of antibiotics.

The really good news it that today is the first time in weeks that my right knee and leg worked normally during my walk. Now I just have to quicken the pace a bit. I'd like to get back to a 15 min. mile so 1 hour will be a complete exercise session. Soon enough.

All this drama is exhausting!

Today I slept through my 5:15 am alarm and awakened at 6:15 instead. Off to a bad start.

I got ready quickly and got to work at 7:45, already 45 min. later than my usual self-imposed arrival time.

I felt like I weighed an extra hundred pounds. I got through my work quickly enough, but didn't have the energy to delve into more complicated stuff and left at 10:30. I thought I might have a walk, but I honestly couldn't force myself to do that. I came home and got through some ironing, but even that I couldn't finish.

Knowing that I had a therapy appointment in Berkeley this afternoon, I literally dragged my sorry ass over there. Thank goodness I've got a wonderful therapist, and we worked together to bring my attitude out of the toilet, so to speak. I walked in feeling overwhelmed and walked out feeling quite a bit better.

Tomorrow morning I'll have a huge breakfast, the last bite of which will cross my lips no later than 9:30, because I am having an outpatient operation tomorrow afternoon. I've been so busy feeling bad that I haven't even had the chance to dwell on it. There I go, finding a tiny sliver of a silver lining.

I am promising myself that between breakfast and having to appear at Kaiser for the operation, I am going to take a walk. Yesterday I walked 3.25 miles (g-maps pedometer is a wonderful thing) and I should be able to do that tonight and again tomorrow.

Deep sigh.

A long time coming

After many agonizing years, Marshall and I have agreed to amicably separate and divorce, putting the needs of the children first, always. We have had many referrals to therapists for the kids, and we are proceeding there. Marshall will be finding his own 2 bedroom place nearby, and he'll have his aunt with him there.

While this makes everyone in our house very sad, there's no denying that it is our only choice. I'm totally heartened by the fact that Marshall wants to avoid conflict over the divorce and custodial arrangements - we've agreed we're going to try with a mediator first.

Neither of us is planning to leave the community. We just don't see the need.

Different apt., lots of room, better spot

And I gave a $500 refundable deposit to hold it. In the Bella Vista district, right near Bella Vista Elementary School. Oaklanders have a big "Where?" look on their faces. Think 10th Ave. and 32nd St. Really nice houses on the streets for several blocks around, older trees, plenty of street parking, mostly single family homes. Backyard, laundry room, grilling allowed. The apt. will be ready for move in (new stove & frig & furnace) by 7/1. I can back out if I find something incredible elsewhere.

That said . . . my friend Walt, whose mother died suddenly when he was 13 (stroke), came over this morning to take me and Heshy to breakfast at the Merritt. It was wonderful, and sweet to see so many older couples, sans children or grandchildren, celebrating Mother's Day. My favorite waitress, Sofia, was assigned to our table and she gave me a big hug and kiss and a "Happy Mother's Day," too, as soon as she saw me. OK, maybe I do go there too often. Walt just went home to nap in the sun, I think.

Avi is deciding how we wants to spend Mother's Day with me. Heshy wants to (a) have a hike at Lake Chabot and/or (b) wash my car and have a water fight and (c) have dinner at, you guessed it, the Merritt!

Last night Marshall and I walked only about 2 miles (which seemed fairly easy, btw) and I seem fine today.

Great apartment

I went to look in the windows of the place for rent that I'm scheduled to see tomorrow, and a nice workman, who was there to change out all the windows, invited me in to see the place.

The whole building is completely renovated and beautiful from the floors to the ceilings. Granite countertops in the kitchen, new stainless steel appliances. There are a bunch of steps, and the place is a little small, but I am still going tomorrow to measure it and see if we could fit. The idea of living in a place that no one else has used yet is very enticing.

I went to see my internist today and found out that my swollen leg is a permanent situation. She suggested I lower my salt intake and wear compression stockings. The good news is that I am free to do my walking exercise (4 miles a day is what I like to do), that even though it will make my leg swell, it will do no damage. This is really good news.

Have a wonderful Shabbat.

Charlotte's Web

Today I drove and chaperoned, along with 4 other moms, the Heshy's 3rd grade class to see a performance of Charlotte's Web. Heshy has read the book and had it read to him many times.

The children behaved beautifully, the auditorium at a local junior college was lovely, but the play was flat. The production is a national one, just for kids, but I think younger children might have appreciated it more. On the other hand, the fact that one character dies is hard to take if it's news to you. I know when I have read it I would always cry at that part.

I have found a smaller apartment, 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom, right in the neighborhood, on a cul-de-sac and freshly renovated. I think there are views from the rear of the building. I will see it on Saturday after services, and if it looks good then I'll start the process of moving. Sheila and Walt have both offered their help with the move.

Gorgeous day for a field trip.

Trip to Philly cancelled

I just got a call from the folks in the Interventional Radiology Dept at Kaiser. I am having a 'procedure' done on 5/17 and I am not supposed to fly after that for at least a week. This procedure will address the ongoing drainage issue, hopefully once and for all.

Oy. I wanted to go, I even had my ensemble all ready to go. Now I have to deal with the folks at American Airlines to get my money back.

Emma went home

It was so nice to have her here, the boys adore her and so do I.

My leg is still swollen, and I am about to make an appointment with my internist to see what it could be. When I wake up in the morning it is a touch better, but once I start walking around it fills up again.

There was quite a discussion about Mother's Day at our house the other night. As a result, Heshy, Avi and I will be celebrating on our own on Sunday. According to Marshall, Mother's Day is not something he ever willingly took part in, not even for his own mother. So now he won't have to do anything about it, not this year or ever. I wish I'd known how he felt many years ago . . . but that's Marshall for you.

Feeling blue about this whole mess, the medical side and the Mother's Day thing. I cried all the way through my 50-minute therapy appointment yesterday.

I'm hoping to enjoy the beautiful weather today.

We ruled out a blood clot

I saw Veronica today. The fluid she pulled from my chest looked waaay more bloody than not, which doesn't look good to me. She said the next step will be in Interventional Radiology, they'll put alcohol in the afeccted internal area, that might help.

When she saw my leg her first thought was to test for a blood clot. The test was done and it was negative, so I'm told to stay off my feet and keep my leg up as much as possible. Big challenge.

I'd like to say that things are improving for me, but today is certainly doesn't feel like it.

Swollen right leg

Friday I walked a lot with Emma, Bella and Marshall, then on Saturday I walked to and from services.

Saturday afternoon the infection seemed to vanish quickly, my left arm range of motion exercises are much easier. BUT my right leg is swollen from the arch of my foot to my bottom.

I have written to Veronica and will see her tomorrow first thing anyway. My leg is elevated and I am staying put. Stop yelling at me.

Saturday lunch, in the midst of all this, was absolutely wonderful. Such warmth and love among three families, the kids were playing Twister in the kitchen.

Saw the surgeon again today

and everyone in the surgery department is starting to remember me. In fact, one of the receptionists suggested that I speak to a financial aid person in the hospital administration. The receptionist said that since I have to see my doctor at least twice a week, I shouldn't have to keep paying $25 a visit. Veronica arranged for a refund for me for today's visit, too. I didn't ask, they just offered, who am I to say no?

My infection has not shown any signs of letting up, but also no signs of getting worse. The pain is still quite evident, and while it prevents me from doing some things I need to do (like setting up the ironing board, my next task), the pain does not prevent me from having a good day.

Emma is coming, in fact I expect her to be here in time to come with me to pick up Heshy. Emma was sixteen was Heshy was born, and they only lived together for a little over a year. So he has no memory of her as part of our everyday lives, but he adores her nonetheless and I think she has a soft spot for him as well.

Marshall is cooking up a storm and the fresh strawberries he bought for this weekend look so sweet and delicious it's all I can do to avoid helping myself to some right now.

Tomorrow we are having 6 guests for lunch, and if Stella and Emma join us we'll be 12. Should be great fun.

My warmest wishes for a wonderful Shabbat.

Reaching toward full range of motion

The infection is in my left upper chest, of course, and I am in some pain from it, along with the tenderness that comes from a nicked nerve. I worked almost sorta a whole day in Mill Valley today (ate Marshall's turkey chili, he's such a good cook!) and the pain did not make it hard to concentrate at all.

Sooooo, I keep tenuously lifting my left arm to the sky, determined as anything to keep at it during my entire recovery. I miss yoga and can't wait to go back - but my pain has to abate, and it will.

After work I picked up Heshy at school, dropped him off at home, then proceeded to San Leandro Hospital to visit my dear friend Channa (most people call her Anna) who is in the transitional care unit and getting a lot of physical therapy after a couple of serious breaks from a fall. I'm so glad I went - she had made some major decisions today, together with the hospital social worker, and she wanted to talk. A lot. I do love her, everyone does, lucky me that I arrived just in time to hear what she had to say. I'm a good listener and a good rememberer.

Thank goodness the great weather is back. It reminds all of us in the Bay Area of how bad the rain made us feel. That got really old.

Can't wait to see Emma.

Another infection

Apparently the reason why the draining seemed to have slowed down to a trickle was because the drain itself became clogged and I have another infection. This time it's quite painful, and I have to keep remining myself to do my range-of-motion exercises even though it hurts.

The drain is out now, I am taking antibiotics, and Veronica will not be putting in another drain. Instead, she'll drain the fluid every few days until it stops draining.

I started to feel sick last night, that can't-get-warm-even-with-lots-of-covers feeling, and I had a fever of 101. I'm taking Ibuprofen for the fever and pain.

Our eldest, Emma, will be flying in this weekend from D.C. I am sooo looking forward to spending time with her, I know everyone else in the house feels the same way.

Pray for less pain.

Drainage ending

And it's about time! There's very little going through the tubing into the ball-shaped receptacle. This looks good.

I went to work in Mill Valley only to discover that none of the paperwork for the last few months was there. I filled some boxes with 2005 files, and after only 2 hours I left.

The hair on my arms is finally growing in. It's all very short and sticking straight out. My eyebrows, on the other hand, are thick and gross, I must get them waxed soon.

Today I had a conversation with one of the teachers at Heshy's school, and she said to me what many other folks have said, "You have a great attitude." I don't feel like I have any other choice. It's charming to hear people say that to me, because I know they mean it as a compliment, but still . . . I can't take any credit for it, it's just who I am.

Tomorrow I have a date to massage my friend Lior's feet. I saw her last night at the gala for just a moment, and I'm looking forward to spending some time with her.