Not much to say about cancer anymore-last post

And I think this might be the right time to stop the blog. I have lots of other things going on in my life, I'm moving forward, exercising, thinking about working, recovering from the burns from radiation . . . all good things.

I am also interested in finding a company that might want to publish my blog or parts of it.

So . . . now the way to find out about what's going on with me is to contact me directly. If you don't have my email address, you can simply post a comment from this blog, and with it send me YOUR contact information. I'm the only one who sees the comments that are sent, so no worries about the entire world having your email address or phone number.

It's been a long run, I thank each one of you who has been faithfully keeping up with me through this medium.

May you only have good health and a long, happy and prosperous life.

Beautiful weather

and my place is breezy and almost cool, which the bright sunshine pours into the rooms.

I go back to yoga on Monday, I simply can't wait!

Have a wonderful Shabbat.

Finally . . . relaxed

This morning I had no particular place to go or reason to jump out of bed, so I fetched the paper from my front door and read it cover to cover. I puttered around the apartment, ate some breakfast, took a shower . . . and then it was already 1:00! I don't think I've been this relaxed in a very long time, and allowing myself to be lazy is profoundly difficult for me. Boy, it felt nice all day.

The boys come back tonight, and we have no less than 4 social events this weekend - all with food!

Cascades of tears (the good kind)

After I walked with Gail yesterday I sat in my apartment thinking about how to start my evening. I looked across at the front door of the shul and saw that some men were gathering, hoping to have a minyan (10 adult Jewish men, in this case) to start the evening service. So I put myself together and crossed the street.

Although less than 10 men arrived, and this means there was no formal service, the men who prayed in the tiny sanctuary welcomed me to join them. I don't know the prayer book very well, and after all these years of dealing with little kids the prospect of holding a prayer book is, well, just not where I'm at.

So I sat in the back behind the mechitzah (a room divider of some sort that separates then men from the women during the service) and prepared to meditate. Much to my surprise, and I guess quite related to the fact that prayers were going on around me, I started to cry. Many tears had been stuck inside of me for quite some time, so once the flow began I let it carry me. In a few short minutes I had cried really hard and you could tell from looking at my face.

Funny thing is, after I stopped crying I felt so refreshed - so much so that I'll do that again, maybe even t0night. As I was leaving the building I said to the rabbi, "Wow, that was so intense!" and he smiled at me, told me he was glad to see me at minyan, and off I went.

Being in the company of friends, being inside the shul building while prayer is happening, it makes me feel safe and comfortable.

Mill Valley

It will never be the same for me, because my office will no longer be right above the town square. Penny is moving her business office into her home, and then when the bad weather comes she will close altogether, sell her house in Mill Valley and move to Florida. I said goodbye to my office today . . .

Gail, an old friend from San Francisco who now lives in Atlanta with her husband and 5-year-old son, is in town visiting her parents and we just had a nice walk/visit. I've known Gail for years, since my girls were young, and there's something wonderful about having the kind of conversation once every few years that somehow fills in the gaps and reminds us why we really like each other.

Still thinking about that talk tonight, but wanting to go to minyan and then maybe do some chores. I feel great, not enough energy yet but still full of life.

My rabbi has been away on his annual family vacation in Israel, and he'll be back to work starting later this week. I have so much to share with him about all that's happened since he left town, both good and bad. I really need his sage advice about a number of topics . . . maybe I should call and make an appointment before all his time fills up. Before you know it, Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) will be upon us.

My 'honey-do' list

My friend Walt came over today to take me to lunch AND complete my honey-do list. We hung 4 curtains, 2 hanging plants complete with base and macrame hangar and a white board, a high lightbulb was changed, the chirping smoke alarm got its battery replaced, every picture save one got hung, and plans are in the works to build display shelves above two large wooden frames - one above a window, the other above the TV.

The coolest part is the curtain in the doorway to the private area between my bedroom and the bathroom.

Oh, he loves to shop and we went to three stores in search of everything we needed to do all this.

Tomorrow I work in Mill Valley and see my therapist. I'll try to walk in the afternoon, since there's a discussion about the Civil Rights movement at a Berkeley bookstore in the evening.

Kicked Dilaudid

On Friday I decided it was time. When I got up I just stayed home, read the paper, etc., and didn't feel any withdrawal symptoms, so I did not take any more Dilaudid. I'm so happy to be off that drug, I can't tell you.

I am delicate, vulnerable and crying easily. I am trying to be authentic with my feelings and not pretend that everything's OK. Perhaps this approach will help me feel better sooner . . . but in any event, this is what I'm feeling.

Last night I went to the service that welcomes Shabbat. I haven't been to that particular service in any synagogue in years. Luckily my friend Ray was nearby to show me where we were in the prayerbook, and I was able to keep up and stay with the other congregants during the prayer service. It felt good to begin Shabbat that way . . . I think I may do it again. There's something very comforting about being in the sanctuary, even if I can't articulate it well. Having the shul right across the street helps.

Time to mend my feelings

That sounds odd, but it's how I feel. I am walking around sorta blue and without the usual energy most of the day. Keeping Avi occupied and comfortable is taking my attention now, a pleasure indeed, but when he goes back to his father tonight I intend to spend some serious time alone, awake and thinking. Of course I have to shlep back to the Oakland airport to pick Heshy up tomorrow afternoon, but before and after that, too, I'll be mending.

I'm almost done with Dilaudid, I think in the next day or two I'll be able to stop taking it altogether with no side effects from stopping. Right now I'm taking 1/2 pill every 6 hours.

My favorite fat sweatpants are falling down. Hurray!

Still hasn't hit me

Because today I had to awaken to an alarm so Avi could be up in time for his orthodontist appointment. I left soon after he did because I worked in Mill Valley today, then came home for a quick nap, and now I am waiting for him to finish another appointment.

Tomorrow morning, however, I plan to sleep in until I awaken on my own, then read the newspaper from cover to cover, and I don't have to be anywhere until 11.

My skin is red and hot and itchy where the radiation treatment was given. I have a 1 lb. tub of hydrocortisone cream, I think I'm 1/3 through it by now. At least my skin won't be getting any worse, it will only get better.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about breast reconstruction. Before any treatment started I met with Ben Hornik, the plastic surgeon at Kaiser in Oakland. Considering how hysterical I was at that time, I'm not surprised that I forgot to ask A LOT of questions. I guess I'd better make an appointment to see him again.

When we met he told me that I'd better not lose too much weight. I am now 10 lbs. up from that weight, and I am continually losing (on purpose), so I need to know when to stop. As he told me, my natural breast will grow or shrink with my weight changing, but my faux breast will not change size.

I saw a friend last weekend who had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. She's a heavier woman than I, and she was told that she had too much tummy for the procedure that I plan to have. How much is too little, how much is too much? Hmmm

I'm tired a lot, I hate to take naps during the day, but when I don't take a nap I barely make it through the evening. When I awaken from a nap I'm crabby, and if I don't allow myself time to un-crab, then I'm just a plain ol' bitch for the rest of the day.

DONE

I ALMOST CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

BARUCH HASHEM (PRAISE THE LORD)!