A beautiful day

and I've spent it in bed so my swollen right knee will get better. Tonight I am attending the Oakland Hebrew Day School Gala, its big fundraising affair, as the guest of a friend. Thank goodness my only decent black cocktail dress fits me. It's such a warm day that I'm loathe to wear pantyhose - good thing I got a pedicure.

The drain is still draining, the 24-hour total was 35 cc, so I'm not done yet. Veronica hopes to remove it on Wednesday, but we'll see.

I just took a shower, and while I was finishing up in the bathroom I took a look at my scar and it took my breath away. I got a little woozy thinking about it. I guess the shock/denial phase of this is coming to an end. Good thing I've started with a therapist.

Pray for more beautiful days like this.

Allergies

Just as we were warned, everyone with spring allergies is suffering along with me. My eyes itch so much that I am constantly rubbing them and now they look like I've been crying. A lot.

When I lift my left arm I feel like the muscles are being stretched too far. I was told there is no such thing as too far, that the more I lift my arm the better.

Being in shul was wonderful. So many of my friends had been away for Passover and were just finding out that I'd already had my operation. I was on the receiving end of lots of loving attention.

It's hard to type and rub my eyes at the same time, so b'bye.

A new drain

And I'm disappointed about it, but what can I do? Veronica told me today that my recovery after the mastectomy is going right on schedule. That calmed me down some.

Right now I am sitting in my room with all the windows open, the sun is shining in and the breeze is delicious. Speaking of which, the whole apartment smells wonderful from Marshall's cooking for our Shabbat dinner. Those scents make me want to eat RIGHT NOW, but I guess I'll have to wait until 7ish for dinner.

My right knee is still slightly swollen from walking up the 3-1/2 million steps to Penny's house on Tuesday. Really there are only 62 or 63, she's not sure, but my old knee injury flared up. A teensy bit frustrating when all I want to do is be outside and walk!

When I saw Veronica this morning I asked about some tenderness that I am feeling in my left shoulder toward the end of each day. She said she must have nicked a nerve during the operation, and that there's nothing that can be done to correct. Of course she apologized. It will be a daily reminder of my mortality.

For my Jewish friends and fans (tee hee) I wish you a wonderful Shabbat.

Back to Mill Valley

This morning I watched the sunrise on my way to work in Mill Valley. The bookkeeping end of things had been covered by a woman who works down the hall in the same office, she came in after hours to do payroll, payables and receivables. While she kept things afloat and Penny and I are delighted she could do it, still there's a substantial amount of work that has waited for my return.

As the morning warmed up I opened the window at my desk (one whole wall is desks and windows) and suddenly I remembered the incredibly fresh smell of downtown Mill Valley. I watched from my window as the young moms showed up with their well-dressed little children to play in the town square. All very quaint.

On the medical side of things, I'll see Veronica tomorrow to be drained and then next Wednesday she will put in another drain. I imagine that this process will then delay the beginning of radiation, which will delay the beginning of reconstruction. Such is life. Infection is still something I need to avoid.

What a lovely day! I love to drive, it gives me a chance to listen the radio and sing along. I have slightly injured a knee so I can't walk for exercise until it's better; at least driving in this weather is great, too.

Downtown San Francisco

is a noisy, angry place. It's hard to remember how it was in '82 when I arrived here . . . it seemed much calmer and people were so much nicer then. Now the streets are filled with folks who do not care if they walk into you or bump up against you, and if you should, G-d forbid, say, "Excuse me," then harsh words often follow. Oy, not my cup of tea.

BUT it was wonderful to have lunch with Bob and Marinell. They still make an adorable, loving couple, all these years after I fixed them up. Bob still thanks me.

Between my walk to and from BART in SF and my walk home from BART in Oakland, I walked about 2.4 miles. Perhaps tonight I will walk a little more to get to my 3-miles-a-day quota.

Tonight I am taking Heshy to his group, and he claims this will be the last time he'll go since, "I don't need it anymore and you're not sick anymore." We'll take this one session at a time - since they are two weeks apart I can deal with his reticence again in two weeks.

I honestly do feel just fine, full of energy, almost back to my old self.

A great day until . . .

until I heard that my sweet friend Lior's lymphoma has returned and she's very ill. I'm heartsick about it.

I met with Penny in Mill Valley today - she made me breakfast. I will be doing some work for her later this week and hopefully to continue through radiation and after.

Then I had my first therapy appointment, psychotherapy that is. I am seeing someone for six months for free through the Women's Cancer Resource Network. So far so good, I like her approach and even today there was productive work being done.

Then I went to Kaiser and Veronica drain me again. I'm now wrapped up tightly so that the fluid building up in my chest doesn't encapsulate, that makes it much harder to get rid of.

I feel wonderful, I may still walk today - rain was in the forecast so I didn't dare try to walk any distance. The last thing I need is a cold.

Please pray for Lior's recovery. Her Jewish name for this purpose is Lior bat Esther Masha.

Walking and loving it!

Yesterday I walked 3+ miles with my dear friend Alison. It took too long, I'm so out of shape, but I had a great time, and Alison got to see a side of Oakland she didn't even know existed!

Today we went to the Jewish Home in Danville to see about Stella possibly moving there. It's a nice place and very very clean, just the way she likes it.

After we got back and had lunch, Bella and I took off at a brisk pace for a long walk together. I used G-Map Pedometer to track it afterwards - I'd walked almost 3 miles and at a much quicker pace. Several truly steep hills were climbed up, and Bella had a chance to run from front lawn to front lawn on a nearby street.

I feel good, some stiffness but nothing else. I hear the weather will be hot toward the end of the week - I think I can get Walt to walk with me in the evening, now that will be wonderful weather with no need of a hat or sunglasses.

Just up from a nap

It is a Jewish custom to have a nap after lunch on Saturday. Problem is, I just can't nap well anymore. So I stayed in bed, comfy as anything, and rested.

Heshy has been our only child all week, and now that Avi is due home tomorrow we realize that it's important to acknowledge what a pleasure Heshy has been. Genuinely trying to be cooperative, Heshy has helped me to get things done and to see it's important to take time each day just to talk. He loooooves to talk.

Sitting in services today I felt so comfortable and happy. Yes, the same prayers are recited each week, the order almost never varies. The same folks sit in the same seats. If I don't get to go to services each week I feel as if I've lost my watch. Just can't get going.

Once more, back to the Dept. of Surgery

As I was told might happen, there was some subcutaneous (below the skin) fluid buildup. I saw Veronica, she drained it, and I will see her again next Tuesday. She said the buildup is not dangerous in any way, especially since I am already taking antibiotics for the infection around the drain site. THAT infection has gone way down, thank goodness, and now all I feel is a bit irritated around the drain site. There is no more tape of any kind on my chest, that certainly feels better than before.

I asked about resuming yoga, and Veronica said, "Not yet."

Last night we celebrated the end of Passover with a pizza, and our friend Dan was here too. Marshall was exhausted, so we decided to hit the hay and get up at the butt-crack of dawn, 6 am, to complete the process of returning the everyday dishes etc. to the kitchen. It really did take 3 hours to finish, and when Kristi came to help us clean it looked basically done.

The weather is so gorgeous. I am going to put on my hiking boots and take the dog for a walk - she's been lounging on my chaise in the garden, in a stupor from the sun, for the last few hours.

Now that my hair is really growing in, and there's a lot of it, I've had a chance to examine my face and hair thoroughly. I like the way my face looks now (overlooking wrinkles and dark circles around my eyes) with so little hair around it. All of a sudden my eyes are more prominent. They had gotten lost in the midst of all that hair. (I used to have long, very curly hair.) I'm thinking seriously about keeping my hair very short - just covering my head and not much more. I know the guys in my house will object, especially Heshy. Since he was born he was always able to comfort himself if he had some of my hair in his hand. Hmmmm

Pray for continued good weather, and Shabbat Shalom.

Back to the doctor today

The site of the drain on my chest was starting to bother me, and when I looked at it I saw that yesterday's slight redness had turned into something evil. Veronica was out, so I saw her colleague, Kelly O'Neal.

She tried to remove fluid, but there wasn't much. She removed the drain (what a relief!) and said it is infected. I started Keflex, an antibiotic, right away, and I am supposed to report in tomorrow either way.

I feel fine, no fever or anything. Just it's more tender there. It's now covered up with a pad and tape, I am supposed to remove that for my shower, and then put on a fresh one if the drain site hasn't yet healed. She said it will heal remarkably fast.

A small hiccup in a quick recovery.

Now I have a therapist

At the suggestion of a psychologist friend of mine, I decided to seek a therapist. I emailed the Women's Cancer Resource Center and asked for the names of therapists who might see me on a pro bono or sliding scale basis, since our income is so very small these days.

I called the one whose name struck me, and she just called me back. She said she will see me weekly for 6 months for free. Isn't that wonderful. We meet for the first time on Tuesday at 1:30.

Yesterday I walked 1-1/2 miles in the morning, and then 3 more late at night with Marshall and the dog. I feel great!!

Best possible pathology report

THANK G-D! Veronica said there were 10 lymph nodes all matted together which were removed, and none of them showed any signs of lingering cancer. The extra lump in my breast which appeared after the lumpectomy, which Veronica removed with the breast and thought it might be more cancer, well it turns out that it was not cancerous at all.

I was given two camisoles with inserts to approximate the size and shape of my missing breast, AND I will be able to get proper mastectomy bras and a real prosthesis through Kaiser as well. I only pay 20% of the cost.

This is SUCH GOOD NEWS!

Looking in the mirror

Today I stood in front of my bedroom mirror in my pajamas and took a long hard look at myself. From the neck up I like what I see - the hair on my head is grown in enough to show all over, and my eyebrows are finally filling in. What a difference those eyebrows make! Now when I smile you can see it all over my face.

Next I looked at my chest. To tell you the truth, the flat side looks much nicer than the side with the hill. I forgot how nice it was to be flat chested (I'm not kidding) - no worries about which top will fit or that a bra needs to be worn. (I can't tell you how much I hate bras - they've never fit me correctly and have always caused me to constantly drag up the straps like my 6th grade teacher Miss Fain.)

Right, so I'm still in shock/denial about losing my breast, and I know I can't go around this. As someone important once said - "When you're going through hell, keep going."

Although my cousin Sally had something to offer. She said that when she was in a similar situation she never did get the sad/angry time. She and I have a lot in common, we are both pragmatic people who deal with stuff when it comes up and then move on. I am going to keep my mind and heart open to whatever should be happening. I will find a good therapist and process what has happened and will happen.

I just must keep ahold of the concept that everyone deals with this differently.

Today I am spending the whole day and evening with Heshy - Marshall's day will be 16 hours long as it is the last day to file taxes and he works for one of those franchises like H&R Block. After this week he'll be back home cooking his heart out for awhile.

Heshy and I are going to Lake Chabot for a hike. (Maybe with the dog.) Then the dog will get a much-needed bath and flea medicine. Our friend Susan will be bringing dinner, and I will be delivering it to Marshall at work (1/2 mile away).

They say it will be sunny all week. Pray for sun.

Benching Gomel

In the Jewish tradition there is a special prayer one says after having survived a dangerous situation, and the saying of it is called "Benching Gomel." When I discussed benching gomel with Heshy, wondering how it works in an Orthodox synagogue, neither of us knew the answer. Then today while I was at services, Rabbi Dardik came up to me to ask if I'd like to bench gomel. Needless to say, I was delighted. He called upon me during the announcements after the end of the service, and I stood, said the few words of the prayer, and the congregation replied with their few words.

Something about doing this just filled me with a pleasure I can't quite name. Perhaps it's acknowledging G-d's hand in everything that happens.

I think I shocked a lot of people by showing up today. I kept telling them that Veronica's patients often go home the next day, feeling like I did. No one seemed to buy it. I felt my smile spread from ear to ear every time I was greeted. My friend and seatmate Ginna is away with her in-laws, or I just know she would have been giggling over my obvious joy at being there.

One interesting factoid about the aftereffects of my surgery -- my hearing has become quite acute, even the sound that my computer makes when I boot up makes me jump.

I will be seeing Veronica on Tuesday morning to get the drain removed and to hear the pathology report.

I intend to spend the next six weeks having fun, getting things sorted out in my desk at home, seeing friends, etc.

NOTE TO FRIENDS in the Bay Area: Send me an email and we'll make plans, OK?

Pray for continued good health.

Still sore

When I try to lift my left arm over my head (and remember, I'm home with no restrictions) I'm sore in the chest and armpit. So I've been lifting it every time I think about it - it feels good to stretch.

Today I took off the dressing and showered. I must still be in the denial phase because looking at myself didn't freak me out.

I will try to go to services tomorrow.

Sheila went home today and took Avi with her, since I don't really need her with me and she's got work waiting for her in Palm Springs. Avi will return on the 23rd.

My life, my sense of myself, my body will never be the same.

Home and Feeling Just Fine

Believe it or not, today I was discharged from the hospital at 10 am. In fact, last night I told Sheila that she needn't stay with me in the hospital. All I had then and have now is feeling somewhat achy in the muscles, like after a good workout. No medications necessary, only drain and incision care (sorry to be gross).

When I saw Veronica this morning she told me that she had just been named Assistant Chief of Surgery. Apparently most of her patients breeze through like I did.

The emotional process has not begun. I'm too focused on the beautiful weather, my sister being here, and my sweet boys. We are going for a walk together.

In 12 hours, G-d willing, I'll be done in the O.R.

I had to keep a lot of things happening at once around me today to avoid thinking about tomorrow. It was fun to pick up Sheila at the Oakland Airport - Walt and I sat and talked about the strangers we saw. Quietly, of course.

Sheila is installed at Zondra's house, and I will be picking her up at 5:40 am. I am about to take my bedtime meds and try to sleep.

One very very nice thing happened this evening. Sheila took us out to the Merritt, and the woman who waited on us was our long-time favorite who had been out on maternity leave for a year. This was the first time we had seen her in that time, and even without my hair she remembered me.

She gave us excellent service as always, and when I left I offered and she accepted and returned a warm hug. What a boost it gave me to see her again. I take it as a good sign.

Deep sigh. Off to bed, we gotta do what we gotta do, ya know?

Pray for a smooth operation and a speedy recovery (refuah shleima in Hebrew).

Surgery 4/12 at 8 am

and I am told I'll be in my room by noon.

surgery really will be 4/12

That's what I get for listening to the x-ray technician. Veronica told me that my chest x-ray is normal and we are proceeding as scheduled.

I am to call Kaiser on Tuesday between 11 and 1 to find out when I should arrive on Wednesday. I promise to post that info.

I'm beginning to hyperventilate when I think about looking at myself with just the one breast.

All bets are off

I had the x-ray yesterday and even I could see that I still have pneumonia, which the technician confirmed (even though he had no business doing that).

Now I remember that when Marshall had pneumonia some time in the last couple of years, it took something like 6 weeks for his lungs to clear.

Monday morning I will contact my primary care physician to discuss a reasonable timeline for my surgery so that we don't all have to gear up every few days just to have to pull back again. I will have her talk to my surgeon and come up with a reasonable plan.

In the meantime, I seriously doubt that surgery will be on the 12th. I will just stay at home and take it easy, steam myself, force fluids, etc. I don't feel sick, although I still have a productive cough.

I keep feeling like my left breast has been given a short reprieve from the guillotine.

Remind me - patience, patience.

Still recovering from pneumonia

Today is day 7 of bedrest, fluids, etc. I still feel that tightness in my lungs when I breathe very deeply.

Tomorrow I expect to receive an x-ray slip so I can have a chest x-ray. I will have the x-ray either tomorrow, Friday, or on Monday morning, all driven by the time the mail arrives.

Remember, I have to be ALL BETTER if surgery will take place as currently planned, on Wed., 4/12.

New Surgery Date - 4/12

I just got called from Veronica's office - my mastectomy will take place during the day (time to be revealed the day before, I have to call) on Wednesday, 4/12. Just a few hours before Passover begins.

I have to get special dye injected into my diseased breast. That appt. is on 4/11 at 2pm.

Resting in a sitting position

This is much harder than it sounds. If I want to rest and relax, my first inclination is to be prone, and G-d knows I've done a ton of that around chemo. But I know if I am sitting up, my chest will clear all day and I won't be stuck with deep coughing just to clear it. My research about pneumonia tells me that the antibiotic I was given is to prevent viral pneumonia from becoming bacterial pneumonia, but it will in no way make it get better faster.

I am steaming myself (shower full-on hot, me standing there coughing) daily, staying warm, forcing fluids and NOT running errands or going to yoga. I am driving my boys where they need to go this morning in my bathrobe.

It's VERY hard for me not to run around and have fun. I possess only two speeds - fast and stop. I've overused stop recently, when can I go fast again?

And the frikkin rain!!!!