pneumonia!!

Today I went to the hospital to get my pre-operative tests done. Veronica, my surgeon, just called me to say that the chest x-ray I had today shows I have pneumonia. I will start antibiotics today, the surgery scheduled for 4/7 will only happen after the medicine is finished and I have a clear chest x-ray. I have no idea right now when it will be done, but it sounds like it might be late the following week.

Oy.

Clean bill of health

I saw Mike and he told me my scans were clear. This means I'm in remission, that the chemotherapy did its job. I feel great, gotta go run some errands. Yoga tonight, lunch/walking dates through into next week already.

For the next few weeks until I get close to my surgery date of 4/7 I will write only when something happens or I see something interesting.

And thanks, really, for checking in on me. I feel the looooooove.

Another day of glorious weather

And I was sorry, for the first time in a long time, that I was unable to walk the 8/10ths of a mile to services. I really miss doing that most weeks with Heshy. It takes us about 20 minutes at a decent pace, we're all dressed up because it's Shabbat and we are on our way to shul. We talk the whole way (and if you know Heshy you know he's never at a loss for words) and we sometimes gain insight about each other on those walks.

The luncheon was amazing - over a dozen choices of food and lots of sweets and fresh, cut up fruit.

I noticed today that my fingertips are no longer as numb as they were before. That's really good news. And my koach (strength) has been increasing noticeably every day. While Marshall was taking his ritual Shabbat nap I was reading, I had no interest in trying to sleep.

I'm trying not to think about the appointment I have on Monday with Mike, my oncologist. At that appointment I will find out if the chemo did its job. As confident as I am that the news will be good, there's been an undercurrent of 'what if' in my head too.

Tomorrow morning I am using our second challah (braided egg bread) from Shabbat dinner and making french toast. No one has to leave before 10, we haven't done that in a long while either. I guess things are starting to get back to normal, but of course I can't look for work for a few months. It's kinda fun to be home and available to schlep kids and do the shopping and cooking when I feel well. I haven't been off work like this since Heshy started preschool when he was 2. He's now 8-1/2.

Oh, I also decided that I will not go to the retreat if it's raining. That would seem obvious, since it's best for me to avoid putting myself in the way of getting sick or rundown.

One day of glorious weather!

The weatherman predicted thunderstorms today, but the skies have been (mostly) clear, the temperature in the mid-50s, and it was wonderful to be outside, even just driving (with the windows open and the radio on loudly).

Except for achy feet which get better each day, I feel wonderful. I plan to go to yoga on Monday evenings and Wednesday mornings for the next three weeks, until my surgery. Then as soon as possible after that, if I am still able to lift my left arm all the way up (which Veronica mentioned might be an issue). I am also going to resume walking, slowly at first, and build up. I have stopped eating everything that isn't nailed down, I'm back to 1600-1800 calories a day and just this week I've lost 2-1/2 lbs.

There will be a fairly big sponsored luncheon after services tomorrow, which means I get to visit with my friends AND eat, two of my favorite activities!

For all those who celebrate it, Shabbat shalom.

The upcoming retreat

I've decided that I am going on the synagogue retreat next weekend. I feel well enough to do the walking I'd have to do, plus I will get substantial time with friends to catch up and reconnect.

Since I have taken back cooking of our dinner (which Marshall had been doing for so long Heshy didn't remember that I used to do it every day) I decided to take back the grocery shopping too. So Marshall made me out a list and I went to 4 separate stores and got almost everything we needed. It was tiring to do, but I did manage to schlep all the stuff inside and put away the perishables.

This morning I got an injection for a bone scan this afternoon at 3:15. I will get the results of both the bone scan and the CT scan on Monday when I see Mike, my oncologist. These tests are being done because I requested them, since I am supposed to be in remission now. I'm confident there won't be any surprises.

Where is the nice weather we've been missing here?

Full of myself

You know how you feel when you are finally all better after you've been sick? Like it's that much sweeter having come at just the right time. That's how I feel.

Today I finally went back to yoga. It was hard for me, as I remember it had been when I first started in January '05, but felt really good. Plus I had a warm welcome from my friends there.

Then I counted the bags (25) of used clothing I'd collected, rented an appropriate-sized truck (quite a bit bigger than a minivan), drove it to the synagogue, loaded the bags (with the help of my friend Neska who happened to be there at the same time) and drove it into San Francisco to drop off. The whole round trip with the truck was less than 2 hours start to finish, and I had a chance to get some more exercise.

The folks at St. Anthony's were thrilled with my delivery, and I told them to expect that I'd bring a truckload again at the same time next year.

Now I have to direct Heshy's homework (wish me luck) and make dinner.

Pray for warmer weather.

Heshy's Kite

Again today I feel fantastic, and my feet have been considerably more cooperative. As luck would have it, just when I was beginning to think about my return to work, a headhunter called with a great job possibility. He caught me off guard, though, and I didn't remember until after we'd said goodbye that I can start back to work until at least August 1. Since radiation will continue through June and I expect to be fully exhausted (oh, fun!) through July, I sent him an email which explained my actual return-to-work date, and offered that he could contact me in July if he liked.

After running errands Walt dragged me (yeah, right) out to the Merritt for breakfast, then it was time to drive up to Heshy's school and pick him up at noon. (The holiday, which continues until sundown, is 'requires' us to have a special Purim meal during the day. We did not but the kids get out of school to allow the families to celebrate.) I fed Heshy and then we went for haircuts (Heshy needed his bangs trimmed) and on to the dollar store. I love the dollar store, and spent a few bucks having fun.

We were on our way to see the Pink Panther but were completely sidetracked by the kites from the dollar store, and we went to a park nearby to fly them. Then there was climbing on the structure, and off to get ice cream to settle a bet between Walt and Heshy.

It's been a full day, with Heshy denying the fact that he fell asleep in the car for the last 5 min. of the drive home. I'm off to make dinner.

Tomorrow I will be taking the Used Clothing to the City for donation. I've had lots of positive response to the idea, and it will now (I hope) be an annual Purim event.

Pray for good weather tomorrow. In the words of James Brown, I FEEL GOOD.

Let's go shopping!

This morning Sheila and Sheri took me to my CT scan appointment at 11, and then we ate lunch at a cool bar/restaurant in Montclair (nicer part of Oakland). We drove through the Caldecott Tunnel to Walnut Creek and went through quite a few stores in the downtown area. Sheila told me to buy myself stuff, and I let her buy me a beautiful silver ring and a pair of pajamas which I'll specifically need during my recovery from surgery - they button in front.

The weatherman had promised sunny and warmER weather - like a high of 55, but it seemed pretty darn cool all day. We drove to Heshy's school for pickup and Sheri, a retired elementary school principal, was very glad to meet Heshy's secular studies teacher, Carolyn, and learn about which texts are used, etc. I showed them around the school (it's a really nice facility, just less than 3 years new), and I hope they were impressed.

They are now waiting to board their flight back to Palm Springs, and we are bustling about getting ready for tonight's celebration of the Jewish holiday of Purim. Tonight our family is doing a Used Clothing Drive at the synagogue, and we will be their early to direct people to the place where they can leave their bags of used clothing. This is our costume holiday. Heshy is dressed as a surfer dude and Avi a Giants' fan. I'm honestly not up to putting together a whole costume, so I'm simply wearing a funny hat with bells on it along with sweatpants and a denim shirt. At least I'm making an effort.

It's really fun to see the adorable little kids dressed up as the characters in the Purim story or as their favorite fairy tale folks. And a lot of the adults dress up too, even if it's just stuff they grabbed in a hurry, it makes it all the more fun. When the story of Purim is chanted and Haman's name is read (he's the Bad Guy) we are all supposed to make as much noise as possible to drown out the sound of his name. We use noisemakers, our voices and our feet to fill the room with noise!

After the reading of the story we all go to the social hall and have food, special Purim pastries, and the kids have a carnival. I'm exhausted, my feet hurt, but I wouldn't miss it for the world. I'm going to rest now for 30 min. and then off we go.

Wonderful time

Yesterday, for the first time in many months, I could honestly answer those asking after my health with an, "I feel great!" Except for the neuropathy (numbness) in my fingertips and toes and the pain in my feet connected to chemo, which is only really an issue when I start to walk, the rest of me is 100%.

I finally got my taste buds back, thank goodness, so when Sheila and Sheri took us out to the Merritt for dinner I really enjoyed every bite. This afternoon they are taking the boys out for a few hours, I'm sure they'll all have a lot of fun.

Yesterday the synagogue was packed for a friend's son's bar mitzvah - we haven't seen it so full since Avi's bar mitzvah. We saw lots of people we rarely see, and those we see each week we got to speak to for a longer time. There was a luncheon with great food and incredible desserts. I had a great time, and really for the first time in so long I felt (and feel) so positive about the rest of my treatment and recovery.

My hair

I guess I didn't realize until today how much my hair (I mean the hair that used to be on my head) defines me. Today I went to the kosher butcher to pick up our meat order for the week and I saw a number of people there whom I've know for years, in once case for decades. I greeted each of them and their response told me that they had NO IDEA who I was. Only one person realized it was me, stopped and asked how I was doing, and the rest acted as if I was a scary person that should be avoided.

It was bizarre and demoralizing. Now that I have the energy (admittedly not as much energy as I'd like) to go out and run errands I am invisible. Even with a hat on it's clear I have no hair, and even total strangers will make it a point to look away, as if what I have is contagious. Every once in a while a nice woman who sees my hairless head will make it a point to smile and try to connect for a moment. I'm convinced that these special women recognize me a cancer survivor, and probably do so because they, too, were once as hairless as I am now.

My sister Sheila and her partner Sheri are actually coming here from Palm Springs for a couple of days starting tomorrow. Last time we had to cancel because of illness on both sides of that plane flight. At Sheila's request I sent her pictures of my bald head, and good thing I did because it takes some getting used to and I don't like to wear a hat in the house unless I'm cold. I told Sheila on the phone today about the symptoms of menopause that I've been experiencing, and it turns out that she and I are about at the same place with that. I expect if we hit one of those insane moments at the same time the rest of the family will run for the hills.

I will be going to services tomorrow - there is a bar mitzvah of a boy who is one of Marshall's students - he trains kids approaching bar mitzvah on how to chant the Torah. I'm sure this week I will have a Shabbat nap, since I've had to nap every day this week just to get through the day.

We had hail today, and up in the Oakland Hills where Heshy's school is located it snowed for a few minutes! It's very unusual to have snow predicted as low as 500 feet.

Pray for a peaceful Shabbat.

The Support Group

I finally got Heshy hooked up with a group called 'Living with Illness', and in order for him to be in the group I had to promise that whoever brought him would stay in the building the full 90 minutes of his group. There are simultaneous groups for caregivers (I don't have one of those), and for the person who is ill.

Last night was the first group and I arrived at the building fully prepared to hang out, nap perhaps, and then I saw a friend of mine whose son was also there, and I went into the sick folks' group with her.

All I can say about it is that it was a nightmare for me. There were folks in that group SO MUCH sicker than I am, I came home completely freaked out, and even after a good night's sleep it all came back to me in the morning. I felt like the new kid at the let's-see-how-sick-we-can-get party.

Heshy, on the other hand, enjoyed his group, so I guess he'll be going back in two weeks for the next group. I just have to figure out how to handle my group or hang out on the sofa in the waiting room.

I have resumed being the person who drives Heshy to and from school every day. I'm not crazy about getting up at 7:15 (imagine, I used to leave the house at 6:15 for work!), but it's nice to have the time alone with him and it starts the day off right for me. No lingering in bed finding ways to avoid getting up.

And I bought a new fragrance today, I'm wearing it and so far I've had good reviews. It's called "Coco Mademoiselle" by Chanel.

Pray for warmer weather. Today is so cold and so windy . . .

Welcome to Instant Menopause

Wow, it's everything they promised and more! Hot flashes arrive without warning and suddenly I'm pouring sweat from every available pore. Then there's the anxiety and short temper - the children have learned the hard way to keep away from me when the temper hits.

Other than that . . . I spent a couple of hours at a local mall trying to find a new signature scent, and it turns out that nothing smells good to me these days. I know that's a side effect of chemo . . . but I was hoping to make my purchase and be on my way, but not such luck. I'm afraid my feet and legs are not prepared for all that walking, but I intend to keep on trying.

Tonight Heshy starts his 'Living with Illness' support group, which I hope will be helpful to him.

Nice weather, I'm headed out soon to run more errands and enjoy the weather. Hopefully I won't feel the need to bite anyone's head off.

Out and about

I decided last night that today would be the day I'd give up the sickbed thing and be up and doing. If only the weather could cooperate today - it's either sunny or it's raining and cold, and it keeps switching, so no walk today.

I got up by an alarm, showered, dressed, took Heshy to school, had breakfast with some friends, and then boom, my phone rings and it's Avi. He's feeling really crappy, sore throat, laryngitis, fever, etc. He was out a full week the week before last, so we're not going to let it take it's course, and anyway it's probably all the same thing. I will call and make an appointment for him to be seen this evening.

It felt really nice driving around, listening to the radio (I'm a rapid radio station changer, that must annoy people in my car), having food in a restaurant and the main topic of conversation was NOT me and my cancer.

Taking a deep breath outside reminds me that I used to feel so good, joyous everyday about something or other. How much of the lack of that great feeling is the result of chemo or in my head, who knows. But I'm bound and determined to keep breathing deeply, hoping that great feeling will return.

I'm running a Used Clothing Drive at my synagogue next week, so I went there to put flyers about the event in the mail slots for each preschool child. As I was doing this I saw my friend Naomi with her youngest, Shoshana, who is now walking. I guess I haven't seen them in a while. I can't describe the pleasure I got from seeing the baby walking, (don't laugh) like if she's walking then there really is hope in the world.

Pray for better walking weather.

Sleeping well again

and able to eat quite a bit more. I've lost about 10 lbs. I think I should write to Ben, my plastic surgeon, and ask if it would be OK to begin exercising like I had been, since the reconstruction followed by weight loss might not be so smart.

I have altogether stopped taking pain medication. The pain I experienced after each Taxol infusion has ended. Thank goodness. That was awful.

My cold is drying up, but everyone in the house is still blowing their noses and coughing. Just residual stuff from a cold.

Jerry did join us for dinner on Friday night. He had a blast with the boys but I had to go to bed right after dinner and he stayed with them the whole evening.

On Saturday we had a few friends here and it was a very comfortable afternoon.

Today is gray and cold. I keep my colorful knit cap from Ellen nearby all the time because it gets me warmed up quickly.

I'm a big fan of the Oscars, and now that E is having a 2-hour red carpet event, I'll be watching tv from 2:30 until 9 or 10. I never watch TV, but this I love. (not the commercials, of course)

Another sleepless night

And it drove me crazy. Now this afternoon when I was finally able to sleep for a few hours, I didn't even hear the doorbell when Heshy was being dropped off. It all worked out, I'm still tired but Heshy got home safely.

I tried hard to eat today, but no such luck. I couldn't eat dinner last night either. It must be the medicine I'm taking for my cold, I tried a piece of toast but I couldn't swallow it. I keep drinking a lot of water.

Tonight my eldest brother Jerry is joining us for dinner to celebrate his 56th birthday, and I know Marshall has made something quite delicious. Tomorrow we are having other guests for a big lunch. I seriously doubt I'll be able to go to services tomorrow, but at least some of the camaraderie will come home to me.

Pray for a peaceful Shabbat.

Up all night with a cold

and it feels like it's almost gone, now that's incredible. I just couldn't sleep well, couldn't sleep continuously. Hmmm.

I have made the CT scan appointment for Monday, 3/13 at 11 am.

Hanging out in bed, waiting for the time to pass. Still no pain.

Bitter cold, no?

As I sit in my pjs in bed, leaning against a huge purple corduroy thing with arms and pockets, I've had nothing but time to think.

My spirit is at peace. I am well aware of my priorities right now, and just after 'getting better' is 'making sure my kids are OK.' Every day (except when they are sick) we spend a significant amount of time together on my bed. Sometimes when Avi is with me and I'm not feeling sleepy, I play on my laptop and he reads.

As long as Heshy asks to be allowed the same privilege, I guess I don't have to worry about him that much. But I think we will be arranging some meetings to discuss his behavior, and soon.

I am very much looking forward to being able to walk for exercise again.

Pray for stamina.