Slept through most of Tuesday so far

The combination of meds to relieve the pain keeps me very sleepy. I have no complaints about that - my bed is like a soft cocoon, I love it. And NO PAIN is, once again, a miracle.

no pain

The weather is gray and wet, but I am not feeling down at all. I can't do too much but there is no pain.

I had a nice long conversation on the phone with my best friend in the world, Cindy. I don't have a ton of energy but somehow talking I can do.

A shot again today to boost my white blood count.

Strange but true

I simply cannot believe my good fortune to have discovered the right combination of drugs to absolutely kill the pain. Even Mike said that for some people the pain cannot be stopped completely unless they are sedated heavily.

Sooo today, when my dear friend Steff schlepped over from the City to bring us our Sunday dinner, I was able to invite her to hang out on my bed with me and talk for 2+ hours. I adore her, and it was such a treat for both of us to be able to spend the time together.

I literally have no pain at all. Wow.

NOW what am I going to do with myself. tee hee

feeling optimistic

I just finished ironing. Otherwise it will be awhile until the shirts the boys need are ready.

At the 'dispensary' where I buy my cannabis cookies, I discovered that there are two strains of marijuana - one that helps you to relax the way a couple of drinks might, and the other - meant for pain - which kinda speeds you up a little. I feel wide awake and happy.

THANK G-D!!

Mike, my oncologist, agreed to order a bone scan and a CT scan to confirm that I am in remission, in which case we carry on with the original plan. If, however, I am not in remission, it will mean that the chemo didn't do its job and that we need to revisit the plan. I am confident that I am in remission.

I haven't been wearing fragrance since all this started because every medical appt. I've had in the last several months it would have been inappropriate to wear it. But I love smelling good, and I've decided to change my signature scent for the first time in almost 10 years. Next time I can drag my ass into a department store I will find the right one for me. I look forward to being able to do this again soon.

I discovered about 18 years ago that firing my friends was leaving me with no friends. Over the next several years I made it a point to get to know people and like them, and then nurture the relationship over time and miles. Then six years ago we moved to the East Bay and made a whole bunch of new friends and continue to do so. I am so incredibly blessed to have so many dear and close friends, my eyes fill up just thinking about them. I wish I could speak to everyone personally, I really wish I could, but there aren't enough hours in the day. In March, when I will not be having treatment, I plan to reconnect as much as possible.

Pray for an ongoing good attitude.

finally done with chemo!!!

It was iffy this morning, but my white blood count is high enough, so they infused me. I have to follow up with self-injected Neupogen starting Sunday for 7 days.

While I'm happy to be home, it was hard to sit all that time, my back was hurting, so now I'l going to nap before going to Ginna's for a celebratory dinner.

Just when you thought it couldn't be worse

My chemo nurse just called me to say that my blood tests indicated I should be retested tomorrow AM and may not be able to have an infusion on Friday, depending on the test results.

oy, again

Anxious about the next two weeks

I found myself breathing too fast, a sign that an anxiety attack is lurking, so I sat myself down (who am I kidding, I'm almost always in bed anyway) and read myself the riot act. As much as I'm bitching and moaning about the pain from Taxol and the fact that my oncologist played down the pain part, it's ridiculous to think there was a way around Taxol. It is necessary and unpleasant, but I'm a toughie, I can handle it. The pain meds work somewhat, nothing got rid of the pain altogether except IV morphine when I was in the hospital overnight.

But if Mike, my oncologist, had told me the worst case scenario, would I have said 'no thanks'? No, I don't think I would have done anything differently, except perhaps to have obtained pain meds ahead of time.

Avi pointed out to me today that I haven't mentioned the fact that both my boys have been home from school all week (and will be tomorrow) because they are sick. Just sick enough to miss school and nap during the day, not so sick that they have to see a doctor, although I am thinking that someone should listen to Heshy's lungs tomorrow. Because they are sick and still running a small fever, I've had to keep my distance from them. I really do think I mentioned this before - being in isolation.

I got outside today by myself to run a couple of errands and stock up on cannabis cookies for the next two weeks. It's a really beautiful day, and I think I appreciate it more than most people anyway, so since I've been sick I cherish the day even more.

Oy, last chemo tomorrow, deep breathing now. In two weeks I should be much better, and then, G-d willing, no more chemo.

Finally got out of the house

and it's such a beautiful day. Walt took me over to Kaiser in Alameda for my pre-chemo blood draw, then we had breakfast in place right out of the 50s. Then he helped me cut my nails (for some reason the numbless in my fingtertips makes it hard to do that myself) and he shaved my head for me. Most of the hair on the sides had fallen out, but the top looked straggley (?) and I needed it off. He's such a big help to me.

I am feeling decidedly better today. Pray for nice weather and less pain.

Heading outdoors today

for pre-chemo blood work, but I can say I feel a bit better and may actually really go outside later on. Oy

The elephant in the room

is that in a few weeks I will lose my breast. I try and try to think about how it will be, but I just can't force myself.

Last chemo on Friday 2/24

and I finally heard back from Veronica, my surgeon, who apologized profusely both for the short visit and taking so long to write back to me. We made an appointment for two weeks from now, which is the soonest I can do, she can do it even sooner but I won't be up to it.

Taxol is taking everything out of me. I am essentially bedridden. G-d only knows how long it will last after the final infusion. I know, I've got to take it one step at a time.

Pray for pain ending before the mastectomy in early April.

where do memories go?

In my free time I have been contemplating two things: after we die, will we be remembered outside of the famly, and where do memories go?

Don't worry, I still plan to live to 100. I asked Avi where my memories will go when I'm gone. He suggested I write them down. Hmm. That's a lot of territory to cover.

And he believes that lots of people will remember me.

Just wondering, and isn't it a beautiful (but cold) day.

In isolation away from Heshy

He's still sick, running a fever, needs to sleep more, still no signs of chicken pox.

Sheila and Sheri ended up not coming here this weekend. Sheila has bronchitis and she's been sick for more than a week. Even if she's not contagious she wouldn't have been able to participate. Good thing they didn't come, now that Heshy's sick. And the boys get some unexpected down time at home.

It's so strange trying to type with accuracy when my fingertips are numb. I go verrrrry slowly.

Feel like crap, still in pain. What day is it today? I can only say for sure that the sky is partly cloudy and it's clearly daytime.

Pray for less pain.

Now Heshy's sick

Not sure what it is, he slept from 3-8 this afternoon, and he never sleeps in the daytime. He has a smallish fever, he'll be fine, but we have to keep driving him crazy checking his body for chicken pox. He's been exposed a lot, and some of the kids who are getting it were inoculated like Heshy.

Now here's the issue: Stella, Marshall's 87-year-old frail spinster aunt who lives with us, somehow never got the disease and, if she should get it now, it would almost certainly kill her. It presents differently in the elderly. And because of Stella's slight dementia, she can't quite remember the danger and we had to explain it in detail again. Of course, if Heshy should show signs of chicken pox then we will quickly find a short-term place to park Stella. I'm almost certain she'll become completely unglued, since the smallest thing out of whack drives her to whine with the best of them. Poor thing.

I should not have gone to services today, I'm simply not up to it and I did it anyway. The lunch we had after, which Marshall made, was great fun. We invited 3 friends over and we got to talk turkey. I was relaxed and in no way felt I had to help - everyone else got lunch on the table without me.

I'm becoming less confident about a rapid recovery from the last of the chemo infusions. At this point the retreat looks like it will have to happen without me.

Veronica still has not read the email I sent her. I will be in touch with the Breast Care Coordinator first thing Monday morning. I'm still advocating for myself just fine, thanks.

Pray for less pain.

Mindful of the Sabbath coming soon

Every couple of days I hit the exact right timing of two different meds I take for pain, and I am almost pain free for a couple of hours. Today when that moment arrived I ironed two going-to-services shirts and one dress, so that my boys and I will be set for clothes for tomorrow.

I am so glad to be inside, clean and warm. Usually I have a window cracked but not today, it's cooooold.

I keep checking in my Kaiser 'personal mailbox' to see whether Veronica, my surgeon, has read the email. She has not. I sent it mid-day 2/14. On Monday when the breast care coordinator is next in, she and I will have a long discussion. I trust my surgeon but feel I'm suspended in a no-man's-land care circus.

KFOG is on the radio, the pile of wrinkled clothing is beckoning me, and I do love to iron, so . . .

Try not to worry, my pain is a side effect of a poison used to kill cancer. This pain does not lead to death, it just sucks to be me this week.

I feel so much loving everyday, even from perfect strangers. Friend-of-a-friend?

It will only make my week waaaaay better to be able to attend services tomorrow morning. I can drag my tush (backside) in there.

Sheila and Sheri are arriving from Palm Springs after lunch, good for everyone.

Pray for a peaceful Shabbat (Sabbath).

Just so you know

I do my best to spend time with my boys everyday, and some days I feel so bad even that's not possible.

Day 6 and still in pain

Since the chemo infusion was last Friday, and this is day 6, I can only assume that the side effects of the last dose of Taxol later this month will continue at least as long.

Very low energy, it's hard to smile, the numbness in my fingertips combined with chemo brain has left me almost unable to type. It's a slow, hard process.

The sweet breezes joined forced and it's cold and windy today.

Requests for my time

It's frustrating to me that so many people want parts of me that I simply can't provide. I'm in bed all day, in pain, my fingertips are numb so it's hard to write, I don't want anyone to feel that I'm neglecting them, but I have to have time alone to heal. To everyone who has tried to call me or see me, I'm sorry, I just can't do it, I'm just too sick right now. Try to be understanding.

A bit perturbed

Today I wrote to my surgeon on their special email that goes to the chart along with their response. I used the words disappointed, worried and upset. I asked for a new appointment so she could answer my questions and fill me in.

I'm still in pain, unfortunately, and the pain medication doesn't do much today.

Keep those breezes comin'.

Mastectomy is scheduled for Friday, 4/7

I'm frustrated and upset today. After trying to reschedule this appointment because I knew today would be hard with Taxol side effects, I had to take myself over to Kaiser and I made sure to allow enough time to be on time for my 2 pm appt.

I didn't get into an exam room until 3, and when Veronica, my surgeon, showed up to see me just after that I told her I had used up all my time, that I'd have to leave shortly in order to be home for Heshy's return from school.

After the briefest exam Veronica set the operation for Friday morning, 4/7. She said it will be up to me whether I stay one night or two.

I had a long list of questions which went unasked because of the time constraints. Veronica promised me she'd answer all my questions on line.

One positive comment Veronica had to offer is that the part I'm going through now, the chemo and side effects, is the worst part of the whole breast cancer treatment. I'm skeptical.

Anyway, April 7 it is.

It's the breeze

My bed sits underneath three windows, with cross-ventilation. I can hear almost everything that goes on outside. Someone is warming up their old pickup truck next door, birds are singing (and why not, with such a beautiful day). Oh, the truck left.

When Avi came to me late this morning after working on Chicken Soupers with his dad, he asked me how I'm doing. I said "It's the breeze."

It's sweet and not hot, but no quilt necessary. Warm for mid-February. Sorry, all you East Coasters getting snow today. I think the weather is the no. 1 reason I chose to live here.

Today I started to think about the reality of walking around with only one breast, even if it's for a short time. I've told folks that I said goodbye to the breast when I got the diagnosis, but that was bullshit. I'm working hard to keep myself out of that dark place.

Pray for continued soft breezes.

Sitting here in some pain again

The pain medicine definitely makes a big difference, but the pain in my lower body is still there. Makes it hard to move around much. The kitchen needs cleaning, Marshall is out with Heshy doing grocery shopping, and I literally cannot clean the kitchen. I know I don't have to do it, so then why do I feel like I'm getting away with something?

Only one more infusion to go!

Two weeks more and then we're done (for now). Today went smoothly but took a lot of extra time sorting out prescriptions. Just got back at 4:30, left at 8:30 this morning.


Pray for a wonderful Sabbath for all.

Setting boundaries

This afternoon I met with a therapist at Circle of Care to discuss Heshy's future participation in group therapy for kids with sick parents.

During the intake interview this therapist told me that I am in really good shape psychologically, that I've set appropriate boundaries and am dealing in a rather honest manner with my issues, both myself and with my kids. It always makes me feel extra good to hear that from a mental health professional. I'm also hoping it translates, to some degree, into Heshy having a good handle on his own stuff.

I keep feeling like I should be DOING something, not just hanging out in bed reading or surfing the internet. It's not like I have a ton of energy, or even that there's so much work sitting here waiting to be done. It's just that it's not like me to be still. I used to say I have two speeds - fast and stop. Now I've added very slow to that list.

I will spend time in the garden today with Bella, our dog. She loves the garden when there's some sun, and so do I.

Tomorrow is chemo, pretty much all day. Sunday afternoon is when the pain usually starts, but I'm hoping that my current pain med schedule will pre-empt that pain.

Pray for continued nice weather.

Pretending to be well

Another glorious day. Since I have a chemo infusion scheduled for Friday, a lab visit was on today's schedule. And I bought a money order for an ebay purchase and some used books to read.

Being outside was nourishing, but still, even with the pain meds, I still feel old and weak and unable to get much accomplished.

Yesterday when Sheila called she asked, "How do you look?" I gave her the details - heavy, almost bald, no eyebrows. But after the conversation, and even today, I'm still thinking about how I look now.

My main female role model growing up was my mother. An aunt used to tell me that she never saw my mother in the same outfit twice, and I'm quite sure that was true. With an always well-organized closet, she taught me how to 'put myself together.' She'd put on her face to meet the world every day, and there was never a stray thread on her. Hard as she worked, though, on getting me to follow in her fashion footsteps, I rebelled. If I happen to be wearing something that's in style, it's a complete coincidence.

But one part of my mother's lessons stayed with me, and I'm not so proud of it. Whenever I see a woman I immediately review and judge her outfit, makeup, shoes, etc. First of all, it's none of my business whatsoever what people chose to wear, I don't actually care at all. I dress for my own comfort, and I try to get others to embrace my clothing philosophy. And yet I give everyone the once over. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. Something important to stop.

Anyway, the point of saying all that is that I'm sure I'm not the only person doing it, and then I take a look in a mirror that tells the truth and I'm horrified by what I see. I look absolutely terrible. In fact, without a head covering I look scary. I'm not the same person inside since I've had cancer, and now I'm all the bad things I've ever been on the outside, as well.

I really must try to stop judging myself and others about how they look. It serves no useful purpose in either case.

Pray for fresh air.

Gorgeous day!

I've been taking it easy today, but I did have one errand to run so I drove to Berkeley to do it. The weather is just perfect, I didn't even need a sweater with my t-shirt. Seems like everything I smelled was good, whether it was someone's fragrance walking down the street or the scent of food cooking from a lunch place.

I am thinking about walking Bella . . . I just hope I'm not biting off more than I can chew.

On Thursday I will be having an intake interview with an organization called Circle of Care. I was referred to them through the Women's Cancer Resource Center because I need to find a place which has group therapy for kids with a sick parent. I've been putting this off for too long - Heshy said he wanted to be in a group (he's been in group therapy before) like this because, while he may not need it so much, he's sure to be able to help other kids through the crisis.

My sister, Sheila, and her partner, Sheri, are coming up from Palm Springs for the long President's Day weekend. I should be feeling fairly well, it will be the between weekend for me, with the final infusion scheduled for 2/24. My kids adore their aunties, and the feeling is quite mutual. I know Sheri will be thrilled to be able to do active things with the kids, and maybe she'll be able to finally teach Heshy how to ride his bike. Walt tried many times with no success because Heshy had to argue and discuss the whole time. Sheri, having a lifetime of experience with kids, first as a teacher and then as a school administrator, knows just what to do to have Heshy learn without the B.S. . . . in fact, if I remember correctly, it was Aunt Sheri who taught Avi how to ride, too.

I know that Sheila loves the Merritt, my favorite family restaurant, so I have a feeling I'll get to eat there more than once while they are here.

I'm feeling fairly content, which is not how I usually feel these days, so I'm going to sit here and enjoy the moment.

Pray for happiness and contentment.

I feel great today

I finally gave in to the idea of taking Dilaudid, the pain med, prophylactically, upon awakening. What a huge difference it has made today.

Heshy's school has an in-service day today, and he awoke around 9:30. We spent the morning together, including a breakfast of toasted bagel with cream cheese and sliced roma tomatoes. He even chose to wear my T-shirt, the one which says "Between cancer and Judith, cancer should be scared." Of course he got it so dirty in the course of the morning that he had to change.

This afternoon Walt is taking Heshy to see a movie. Our house is clean, Stella and her helper are out to have lunch, always a good thing for Stella.

I'm up, dressed, sitting on my made bed. I have a task to accomplish which has been needed for several months - the underwear/sock drawer which also doubles as my bedside table. There are receipts buried in there for several months of reimbursements.

The windows to my room are open to clear the stale air, a breeze is softly making its way past my face. A little cool but oh so refreshing to me.

OK, enough procrastinating, I'm closing with a prayer for continued good days.

Listening to my boys

Right now Marshall, Bella (the dog) and the boys are at Pt. Isabel dog park in Richmond. As Avi and Heshy were dressing and cleaning up their shared room, it was delightful to hear them teasing each other and laughing out loud. Heshy says, 'Well, I have a day off for in-service tomorrow," to which Avi responds, "Yeah, but I had two extra days off for the winter break!"

Lots of loud talk and camaraderie, music to my ears.

Pain continues today, use of Dilaudid and cannabis too. Yesterday was great but tiring, and today it's all I can do to sit up and write.

Pray for continued good spirits in my children.

My community

It's just wonderful and nurturing for me to be in the midst of my worship community. Even just to see people, say a few words to them, gather some hugs . . . I feel rejuvenated today.

I pre-empted the pain this morning, and my plan worked really well. Instead of just having enough pain medicine in me to take away the worst part of the pain, I did away with it altogether for a few hours so I could be sitting and standing and not have to be prone, which certainly would have been inappropriate in the sanctuary.

Pray for more nice weather.

Still smiling

I saw one of the many Leslies I know because I picked up Heshy at school this afternoon. She greeted me with "You're smiling," and I realized I was, how nice. Still, it was awfully hard work to schlep all the way down the playground to the office at the other end of the school. I guess I don't realize how taxing life is until I try to get out and do something.

Every day seems to be taking on a certain degree of poignancy simply because I am so seriously ill. Almost as if I am watching from outside the scene, thinking that my time may be short. I'm not dwelling on the dark side at all, it's just a pragmatic response to the situation. I'm not explaining it well.

I really am going to try to go to services tomorrow. Even if all I can do it sit in one spot, I need to be there.

Pray for less pain and more energy.

Brunch at Denny's and Ironing

The food was perfect breakfast food and at that in-between time of 10:30. Walt came and took me, and now he is, hopefully, running errands for himself. He's a terrible procratinator.

Today my legs feel pain-free enough to stand and iron for my family. Radio on, but no dancing, that well I'm NOT.

5 shirts so far.

I'm hoping to be well enough to go to services on Saturday. I've missed going.

Pray for no drama.

much less pain today

I've only taken one pain pill all day. Yahoo!

As Walt was driving me to a couple of critical errands today we suddenly heard the intro to "American Pie," the old song with so many verses and I knew all the words. We turned the radio way up and sang at the top of our lungs. Sweet.