Pretending to be well

Another glorious day. Since I have a chemo infusion scheduled for Friday, a lab visit was on today's schedule. And I bought a money order for an ebay purchase and some used books to read.

Being outside was nourishing, but still, even with the pain meds, I still feel old and weak and unable to get much accomplished.

Yesterday when Sheila called she asked, "How do you look?" I gave her the details - heavy, almost bald, no eyebrows. But after the conversation, and even today, I'm still thinking about how I look now.

My main female role model growing up was my mother. An aunt used to tell me that she never saw my mother in the same outfit twice, and I'm quite sure that was true. With an always well-organized closet, she taught me how to 'put myself together.' She'd put on her face to meet the world every day, and there was never a stray thread on her. Hard as she worked, though, on getting me to follow in her fashion footsteps, I rebelled. If I happen to be wearing something that's in style, it's a complete coincidence.

But one part of my mother's lessons stayed with me, and I'm not so proud of it. Whenever I see a woman I immediately review and judge her outfit, makeup, shoes, etc. First of all, it's none of my business whatsoever what people chose to wear, I don't actually care at all. I dress for my own comfort, and I try to get others to embrace my clothing philosophy. And yet I give everyone the once over. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. Something important to stop.

Anyway, the point of saying all that is that I'm sure I'm not the only person doing it, and then I take a look in a mirror that tells the truth and I'm horrified by what I see. I look absolutely terrible. In fact, without a head covering I look scary. I'm not the same person inside since I've had cancer, and now I'm all the bad things I've ever been on the outside, as well.

I really must try to stop judging myself and others about how they look. It serves no useful purpose in either case.

Pray for fresh air.