I need this added stress like a hole in the head

I wish there was some way I could fast forward my life about a year. The next few months are going to be waaaaaay more difficult than I first imagined, because Marshall will be spending a huge amount of time in therapy (hopefully engaging) and I must either drive the boys everywhere or get someone else to do it. I love that private time with them, and they really value it too, so I'll do the driving when I can, and I know it will be easy to arrange other rides of them, but here's a new level of worry every week day and all weekend.

Avi takes himself to school and back on the buses, so that makes things easier. Today I dropped Heshy off at school and it took me a full hour to get to my Mill Valley office. Not horrible traffic, really, but still . . . an hour later I'm here. I used to begin my work day at 7, 9:15 is really late, although Penny, my boss in Mill Valley, is totally flexible about this, thank goodness.

After I've done payroll at both Marin offices this week I'll be cutting back on time at both. I know Lisa, my sweet co-worker and friend, will miss me (as I will her), but I need to be able to take care of my stuff, and it wouldn't be fair to anyone for me to drag this out unnecessarily.

I'm frustrated, annoyed, worried, and sad. Every morning I wake up and make the decision to be happy, then my shoulders start to migrate up around my ears all day and I have to mentally push them back down or I get a headache. I've had that headache for 2 days now.

I plan to expand my yoga practice and go to Ellen's class on Wednesdays, including THIS Wednesday. Yoga is incredibly relaxing, energizing and recuperative for me, but I can't seem to make myself do it alone. Just like those nasty 5-lb. weights that stare at me from the shelf above my head, sometimes they even shout at me, but I don't engage. Kinda like when Marshall gets upset, I don't permit him to rant at me, and I don't engage.

Marshall. A lifetime of anger and depression has left him empty. I am trying not to think about the hopelessness of his situation, because it really isn't anything I could ever control or help, but still . . . he is the father of our children, he's living in the house with us, he's shutting down in so many ways and no one other than Marshall has any control at all over any of it.

I'm excited about seeing Cindy, my friend of 30+ years, when she comes to help me during and after my first infusion. Oh, of course I may NOT be having that sort of chemo, but I have to hang on to the hope that I will.

I expect to hear from Dr. Russin again this week sometime, and I'm praying hard for a positive result on the CT scan. As Avi sometimes says "PLEASE G-d."