scared, depressed, angry, frustrated

and that's not all. I'm not scared of the scans - in the past week I've had a bone scan and a CT scan and the machines are not AT ALL uncomfortable. I'm waaaaaay afraid of a positive result. Mary, Kevin's wife, who has been writing to me and is incredibly helpful, being a breast cancer survivor (I've been informed that as soon as the diagnosis is made you become a 'survivor') is 100% sure that the scan will be negative. As is Cindy, who is coming out here either way.

But honestly, who could possibly know? I realize that positive thinking goes a long way. . . and since I've been the lemonade lady (when life gives you lemons . . .) for so long I know how to do that. My word stones and my increased body awareness from my yoga practice have helped me to relax, and even to de-stress when I feel it coming.

As I sat in my basement by myself with Bella, our dog, I looked up and saw the old knob-and-tube wiring with which this house had been lit 100 years ago or so when it was built. It reminded me of the knob-and-tube wiring in the house we owned for 10 years in San Francisco. The original SF house was very small, 4 rooms and a bathroom. Over the years it had been remodeled several times, with major additions along the way (13 rooms in all!), so most of the wiring had started similarly to what is conventionally seen in modern homes. But when we removed the dropped ceiling (which had the nastiest fluorescent light fixture known to man), we discovered evidence of the old wiring.

Something about older houses, especially those which were left basically intact, calls to me. I imagine the detailed work done by artisans of the time, carefully laid hardwood floors, gently coved ceilings, all of that. And those workers never imagined that I would be noticing their work 100 years later.

Do you think anyone will remember the work I've done in my life 100 years from now?

The writing is cathartic, I feel much better.

I'm off to see Neska, then to eat a big breakfast, the cardiac scan for 90 min. starting at 11, then the CT scan at 3:30 with Ellen.

I will not have access to the internet during the day, and I may not have use of my phone for much of it either. Send blessings please. For those unfamiliar with exactly how to do this, it's easy: Start with "May you . . ." and add whatever feels right to you. A quick email with a blessing would be a MOST welcome way to get ready for Shabbat (the Jewish sabbath).