A rough day all the way through

Yesterday I worked so hard to keep myself together and upbeat, but today my composure left me. I was talking to some people after services and I had to excuse myself and find a quiet corner where I could cry, and cry I did. I cried my eyes out, mostly thinking about not wanting to leave my children motherless. When I returned to the area where people were standing around schmoozing it was obvious I'd been crying, but I felt better for the cry.

As Marshall's comfort zone continues to get smaller I'm forced to face the fact that I'll need to enlist the help of friends to manage some of the most simple things that are not getting done. Several recent conversations with people who know Marshall really well have left me with the sinking feeling that he may need more help than any of us expected. I wasn't at services on time to hear Marshall chant Torah, (Bible), but I heard that his delivery was choppy and mumbled, a very worrisome deterioration of his ability to communicate clearly. This is really the very last thing I can deal with now, but I have no choice. Deep sigh.

Onto other matters - I am working hard on patience right now. I know that full results of the CT scan will not be available for several more days. A lot hinges on that test, I met the doctor who will be doing the reading of it, I'm confident he knows what he's doing and the last thing he should do is hurry.

A suggestion was made to me that I stop working soon and devote myself to getting well and being with the kids. While I know I cannot rely on Marshall making any money at all, I hate the idea of having to scramble for support. This is horribly uncomfortable for me, but quite necessary. Where will it end?

I'm preparing an Ethical Will to give to each of my kids. It's something I've always wanted to do, and now seems as good a time as any to do it. Lots of little tidbits of advice, for example: Find your passion and, if necessary, get a day job to support it.

Funny to imagine that a few short months ago I was psyched about being so strong, facing 50 soonish in the best possible health. How fast things change.

Tonight I saw a girl who is a classmate of Heshy's. She noticed the pouch I wear suspended around my neck and wanted to know what was in it. As I started to tell her I had to say, "You know I'm very sick, right?" and when she indicated that yes, she knew, I wondered how it seemed to her to see this remarkably healthy woman she's know since she was 2 saying those words. Talk about cognitive dissonance.

Pray for patience.