Truly break of day

Driving south on 101 between Larkspur and Mill Valley, just as the sun was about to emerge from beyond the East Bay hills, scattered clouds were lit up as if they were on fire, the brightest orange, with the sky below them filling with light in shades from pink to yellow to orange. Magnificent. Seen as a blessing after a really tough yesterday.

I have put in a call to Rachel Whalen, the breast care coordinator, with the following questions:

1. If CT scan is positive, will chemo follow as planned?
2. Dr. Russin said chemo will begin the week of 11/14. When will it start, or when will I know when it's going to start?
3. Dr. Russin ordered a cardiac scan and never mentioned it in our meeting. What is it for?

Rachel calls back quickly, so I hope to hear from her in the next couple of hours.

Mostly today I am feeling overwhelmed. Marshall works hard at home shopping, cooking, doing laundry and schlepping the kids. But he hasn't worked in almost 2 years, and to say money is tight is putting it mildly. He has a lot of trouble controlling his impulses in a health care setting, and therefore I can't ask him to accompany me to any of my appointments. His Aunt Stella, his mother's sister and caretaker, has lived with us since April. She and I get along ok, I don't buy into her constant state of worry and anguish, but things with the boys can get a little contentious. Stella has no other family and does not feel she has the finances to support a move to an independent living place. Thank goodness she kicks in some.

But I have so many tasks to accomplish with my medical care, not to mention all the stuff in our family that Marshall doesn't do. Right now the van transmission is shot, 3rd time in 6 years, (we have a rental) and this is a Honda we're talking about. My right headlight is out, the van stickers haven't been picked up from the DMV, Heshy needs glasses to replace the ones he has lost, the dog only gets walked now and then (but she does love the garden), Avi needs ME to take him for an injection and a blood draw, school conferences for Avi are TOMORROW and I just found out that we have no appointments to see anyone, Marshall didn't think it was necessary. I have to keep working as much as I can, of course, but none of my clients/employers are getting their work fully done. They all want to keep me, but I have so much to do otherwise with my care I just can't continue at this pace, and I'm feeling great now, imagine how rough this will be when I feel awful.

Deep sigh. I am putting together a list of volunteers for Deb, in fact I'm sending her the email addresses now, and she'll help sort this out.

I wish Marshall would seek help, but with mental health issues the patient has to drive or the train never leaves the station. Stella makes excuses for him, the boys know he can't be relied upon to get things done outside of his comfort zone . . . I am quite aware that nothing I can do or say or not do or not say will have any impact on Marshall. He's a sweet man inside, he loves Torah, he loves me and all his kids, but something's not right. I'm sure he'll be less than thrilled when he sees this post, but Honey, You Need Help.

All I really want to do at this point is take care of my kids, exercise and do yoga, and write. My sister is my safety net, we will not go hungry, but dammit, I should be able to support my family, and now this.

Today let's pray for strength.