I always had only two speeds

My two speeds were fast and stop. Now I have a third speed - slow. Today I couldn't drag my ass out of bed when I awakened early, I dozed for another hour or so. And after I spent about 2 hours doing errands I was completely wiped. I rested after lunch and then went to the supermarket, schlepped the bags upstairs, put everything away and then really went to sleep on the couch. Ever since I've started exercising in a real way (we're talking since January, '05), I've been unable to take naps at all. I love being that energized. But now every time I put my head down I fall asleep.

So THIS is what folks were talking about as a side effect of radiation. Hmm

My leg pain has increased, and my most recent dose of Dilaudid was 3 pills instead of 2. Still doesn't kill the pain, but it's better than before on only 2 pills. All day long I've been thinking about going to yoga, but when I am still for a long moment my legs are so stiff. I know this would make yoga excruciating.

Yesterday afternoon I did some yoga on my living room floor. Some stretches and stuff. It felt great having the sun and the breeze in on it too. Very life-affirming.

Today I spoke to one of my neighbors, Mariah, who has a 7-year-old son named Hunter. We got to talking about work and she asked what I do. She wondered if I was a stay-at-home mom. I told her I'm on disability, and when she asked the nature of it, I told her I don't feel comfortable talking about it. (Believe it or not, I did not overshare this time!)

She said, "It must be serious," and I agreed, it is serious.

It's a big step for me not to introduce myself as, 'Judith, the one with breast cancer.' Of course I am in remission at the moment, but I am still in treatment.

I also wanted to avoid having the landlord know the nature of my disability, because he might get freaked out and try to find a way to end my lease so he doesn't get stuck with me not being able to pay while I'm busy dying. Listen, this is exactly what people think when they hear cancer. Both June and Fran lost dear friends recently to breast cancer. You can understand the reaction. I used to react that way myself. Now I know better . . .

Cable guy didn't show up, how shocking. Oh well, I'm not going anywhere, if he shows up way late I'll still be here.

About the nasty-smelling ointment I apply to my skin every day, several times a day - I noticed that certain areas of my skin were getting red like a sunburn, and that's how I know the stuff really works. Because I didn't realize those areas were included in the radiation treatment, I didn't put the ointment in those spots. The places where I DID shmeer the ointment are tan, not red.

Tomorrow will be the 11th treatment out of 25.