Last night's walk in Glenview

When the sun began to set last night I headed out the door for a pre-mapped and measured walk (check out gmapspedometer.com) and headed up Park Blvd. I walked all the way to Trestle Glen, pretty much the end of the houses on Park, and then back down Trestle Glen. Along the way I passed many of my friends' houses, with their Shabbat dinner underway and lots of friendly Shabbat-appropriate noise. Along about 5 blocks into Trestle Glen I suddenly realized that I had to pee, I mean really PEE - it must have been all that iced tea I drank yesterday afternoon. At that point I realized that my friends Shmuel and Tonda live right around the corner from my location, so I walked as fast as I could, knocked on their door, and requested use of the facilities. They were happy to see me, and as it turned out they had just gotten everything ready for Shabbat dinner and asked me to stay. It was wonderful. The food was great, the talk was irreverent (just the way I like it) and there were lots of laughs. Then Tonda walked me home, hung out with me and we had a chance to talk privately.

When I said goodbye to her as she went down my steps, I realized that the evening had gone much differently that I expected and that it was truly wonderful. Two-and-a-half mile walk, and dinner too!

This morning I was surprised to discover that I'd slept until 9:30 - over 8-1/2 hours, which is a waaaay lot for me. I got ready, walked to services, and at the kiddush (the small meal we have after services) I had a chance to talk to lots of people. One man, whom I've known since our kids were in preschool together, brought me to tears. He said that when his parents divorced it was hard to accept, but soon he began wondering why they hadn't split up sooner, that it seems much better for a child to grow up with divorced parents than ones who can't make the marriage work. When he saw the tears in my eyes he gave me a little sideways hug, which only made me cry more. A few minutes later I had a chance to talk to my rabbi, who is leaving tomorrow to join his family in Israel, and again the tears were falling.

I don't know exactly what made me cry, and the feeling is still with me somewhat, several hours later. I feel guilty for not figuring out a way to make it work with Marshall, even though I know deep in my heart that it needed to end. I stayed with him so much longer than I should have because I thought it was best for the kids to have both parents together in the same family/household. So I also feel guilty for putting them through this mess after so much time of struggle, that I should have done it sooner.

Okay, now I do realize that there is no point to feeling guilty, since I was absolutely doing the best I could and walking around with regrets is NOT productive. There's still this nagging problem of what if.

I adore my kids, I was disappointed not to see Avi today (a muscle cramp kept him home) and glad to see Heshy, but I'm not pining for them. I'm not usually so emotional, although I think if I let the tears flow I'd feel much better after.

I think I'll meditate soon and try to clear my head. Or else I'll cry really hard and end up with a red face, a stuffed nose and a headache.