Loveliest Shabbat

The cholent (meaning traditional, long-cooking bean stew and pronounced with the ch like in children) was extraordinary yesterday at lunch. Even though Marshall is becoming, by his own admission, something of a compulsive cook, there are times when the benefits outweigh everything else. Not only the cholent, but the split pea soup with freshly toasted croutons, and MY homemade challah, well, it was just heaven.

Since last week I'm walking around with a tension headache pretty much all the time. And my neck is tight, and this morning I discovered that I'm grinding my teeth in my sleep which is helping to cause all this discomfort.

I feel like I'm trying to keep all my balls in the air at the same time - staying as healthy as possible so the chemo can work correctly, being upbeat and positive for my kids, trying to keep the bills paid with very little money coming in, lots of other balls large and small. The times when I really want to curl up in a ball and float down the river of denial are few, but . . . sometimes just forcing myself to rest is exhausting. I can't sleep during the day at all except right after a chemo infusion, I run out of things to do in bed that are interesting (get your mind out of the gutter, people), and I'm just plain bored a lot of the time. But I don't have the energy to entertain others, I don't have the peace of mind to just meditate, and I don't have the strength to do much else. Dammit, this is hard and it's not even half over.

My next infusion is on Friday, 12/30, and Rona will be taking me. Pray for patience and peace of mind.