Dreading tomorrow

Well, not really the chemo infusion, that goes fairly smoothly. Deb was supposed to join me but she got a cold, so Walt will take me. But I know that on Saturday after lunch I'll start to feel really shitty again, like I'm being poisoned. There will not be any relief for that feeling until it passes on Tuesday mid-day. The boys will be at auntie camp, so I won't need to worry about their needs this time, but still . . . I hate the just-after-chemo feeling. To say I'm dreading it is not exaggerating at all. Maybe this time I can sleep through most of it and just get out of bed to eat, take my medicine and pee.

I'm beginning to get used to the way my head looks without any hair at all. It's rather amazing what a difference this makes in my looks - suddenly you can see my face and not all that hair around it. Heshy still insists that I not show him my bare head - 'wear a hat all the time now, Mom,' is what he says to remind me that I'm showing it to him.

Stella, Marshall's auntie who lives with us, started to whimper before I even showed her. As if the baldness shows how very sick I am. But I don't feel sick at all today . . .

Yesterday my friend Judy came over before dinner for a walk with me. It was refreshing to talk about stuff other than my illness . . . I kinda wish people would be willing to treat me like they used to, tell me their stuff, good and bad. It's as if I've BECOME the cancer, and everyone just wants to focus on me. Folks, my stuff gets boring, tell me about YOU. Honestly, I want to know.

Tonight Liz will walk with me from 9-10, then tomorrow morning I take the boys to the airport, and then . . . chemo.