The interminable wait

Damn, this is so hard. All day Monday I kept hoping that one of my Kaiser contacts would be able to squeeze some information out of those hard-working people in pathology. Wouldn't it seem obvious that those who are waiting to know whether or not they have cancer would go to the front of the line?

But Monday ended and no news yet.

My pity party resumed for a time early Monday evening. So I decided to try to go to sleep as early as I could, thinking that the time would pass more quickly that way.

In the dark, clutching the teddy bear I call 'Mama' close to me so she could support the weight of my breast (which looks and feels like it's been in a car wreck!), I try to use my customary visualization technique to fall asleep. I imagine a room, I'm in the room, and it's filled with everything I've been thinking about. One by one I picture each issue, tell it to leave, and it exits through the single door. As the room clears and I make my mental list for the next day, I am alone, there is fresh air, the sound of waves gently lapping against the sand, and off I drift.

Monday night's imaginary room just had waaaaay too many things in it to empty, too many to consider. So I began to think about each and every person in my life who is 'in' on this drama, and as I picture their faces looking at me, they are joined by others they know, and soon I am surrounded by wonderful, kind and loving friends and relatives smiling at me, hugging me, praying for me.

It was in this most divine state of mind that I fell asleep last night.